Goodbye Blog - It has been fun

 September 11, 2022

Three years later - seems like a fitting time to write once more. I suppose this blog will be closing.

Tonight I find myself in Costa Rica - writing by candlelight with decaf tea.

My days are filled with the mundane - dishes, cleaning constant messes and the phrase "use your words" to an upset toddler. I have a newborn who demands more attention than I know what to do with. I honestly don't know how much of it is her personality and how much is her treatment for clubfoot. 

Every afternoon it rains here. We bought a couch, a coffee table, and a car. A rocking chair too. I have gone through a frenzy and purchased enough books to keep me busy for the next two years at least. I justified it in telling Michael that to be a real author I need to read more. 

I attended a writers conference in Colorado when our baby was all but 8 weeks old. I was told, you need a real landing page, you need to have people interested in your writing (they say) in order to even be considered by a publisher. So. I have a new domain. I can't promise as much fun, stream of consciousness, rambling, as this blog has provided. Perhaps I care too much these days and will have to make everything sound official. Like I have things figured out. I hope not and I hope it'll be worth it. 

This song made me cry today. 

"For Christ abides with me

He's closer than a friend

He takes the wary by the hand

And says, "come abide with me.'"

Without thinking too deeply on why it had such an impact on me tonight. I haven't had time to sit and process much of all the recent happenings, and it hit the nail on its head with these questions running around in the outbacks of my mind. God, where are you? God, can I do this? God, do you see us? God, why is there so much pain in this world and why do my littles have to learn of it too?

Heavenly Places. There are such heavenly places.

So. Signing off before I stream of conscious a bit too much. This space has been fun. I'll miss this space. This pequenito light of mine. Full circle - back in a Spanish speaking country. Ready to start to blog once more. Follow me here:

www.alisonwicker.com

Grace & Peace,

Alison

Eighteen Years

September 11, 2019.

18 years have passed since the twin towers came crashing down.  18 years since our little middle school eyes in Illinois watched the news during all of our class periods, and tried to understand what was happening.  Many worlds coming together in an awful type of mystery.  My mom says that soon after I asked her why the world turned so bad all of a sudden.  Up until that point, I only knew that history had been rough but hadn't considered the modern day conflicts could still be brewing.  We went on to watch the horror unfold.  My dad kept the news tuned as war was waged in Iraq.  It seemed so distant than. 

In a weird way, today I find myself in the middle east.  Learning more about the people, the culture, the religion, and the deep seated history of conflict that plagues this region.  While there is joy for many, people are still displaced, still trying to figure out how to recover from the aftermath.  Some, are still going through the chaos, it might not be on the daily news, but it is a present reality.

18 years - it's not about us though.  We can't control much of the unfolding can we?  Yet, somehow the worlds collide.  Lately, Michael and I have been asking the question - how do we spend our days this next year?  We are cognizant that this year is a strange one, with flexible roles that have undefined parameters.  We are also aware that how we spend our present days, can impact our future.  Do I choose to go back to full time language?  Will I get to meet with my dear friend to write down her story?  Is this job the right one?  So, rather then get caught in the unknown, as we continue to do the daily task set before us, we also ask the necessary questions that direct our steps.  After all, 18 years ago, none of us could have guessed how the conflicts would unfold and the lives forever changed as a result of it.

Some of my yearly thoughts to share on this pequenito light of mine.  Perhaps no conclusion but just more processing.  A theme on this platform.  In a world so dark, God knows we all need a little bit more light to shine.

Writing just to Write

I have this love/hate relationship with writing. 

I usually love writing when I don't have time to write and can fantasize about the next time I get to sit down and create something beautiful with words.  Maybe it's the clarity I've been seeking all along.

I usually hate writing when all I have to do is write and I literally can't take a break because of some crazy due date.  The crazy due date, used to be my fault due to tight deadlines.  But now, because of the line of work I am in, emergencies and relief work, it's just always tight deadlines.

This past week I have been visiting family in the States and it has been SO GOOD to be home - but also SO BAD to be stuck at my computer for a majority of the time.  I have spent at least 12 hours writing today.  And today I hated writing.

It's 3 AM.  Michael is sleeping.  I should be sleeping.
But then I remembered that I used to really enjoy writing on this blog, that there are fun things to write about, things that seem to mean nothing at all but add up to a story somehow.

So I want to start writing again, for no other good reason then to write, and to share the journey that has been happening.  Because it has been a crazy one.

On that note, this was short, and sweet, but at least I wrote something!! Here is hoping for more blogs along the way.

Peace,

in the middle east.

A Change in Seasons

I would be re missed if nothing made it onto the blog during this part of the journey.  It's probably one of the top five favorite seasons in life thus far, might even make it to the number one spot by October.  I think you would understand and agree considering the exciting news of engagement!  That's right, this Garza girl is engaged!  After 29 years, and many ups and downs and turn arounds, that annoying question of who I will spend the rest of my life with has been answered - It's Michael!

To describe this season, of course, a hot cup of coffee, brisk breeze from the window and warm haze of a candle are all involved in setting the mood.  It has been joy filled and a gift of time to have spent these last few months with family as the details come together.  Due to the fairly unpredictable nature of our jobs, and of course our strong desire to begin life together, Michael and I have decided to plan a wedding within four months.  Just in time to enjoy the fall and drink many pumpkin spice lattes while watching the leaves change colors.  There is a ridiculous amount of symbolism in the changing seasons and so it is fitting that we get to tie the knot (as they say) as the seasons rapidly change here in the mid west.

Today, my sister and I went for our first dress fitting and it was super fun to feel like a princess. This week we will be selecting the music and working on a guest book.  I will save you from the boredom of listing all the other wedding details that must take place; please rest assured they will be completed in time. T Minus 45 days away.

Aside from all of the wedding details, Lisie and I have spent many days together training for the Chicago Marathon.  It has been difficult to keep up the pace as the miles continue to increase, we are up to run a 16 mile run this weekend.  In case you are wondering, it is not a walk in the park.  It's over two hours of sweaty effort as my achy knees pound the pavement reminding me that 30 is around the corner.  Podcasts have been a saving grace.

Here are some of our engagement photos.

Love,

Alison

Hail on the window pains

A short reflective post

It's Saturday night here in Chicago, tomorrow we will celebrate fathers day and I look forward to time with family.  The last seven months have been - stretching.  Shortly after the last post I returned to the middle east and was immersed into long working days with no weekends off; we were responding to an emergency of mass displacement caused by war.  My immediate role included keeping track of all the items we distributed and activities we accomplished each day - where, when, and exact location.  Eventually our team decided to open an emergency field hospital near the front lines of war, and so the team was hard at work with planning.  Writing it all here seems daunting.

Tonight I logged back into this account after so long, and saw a draft that I began to write in March.  It was a stormy night, and I was feeling quite lowly.  My mind was tired from work and my days were surrounded with news on the war, on death, on suffering, on injustice and senseless daily killings.  The emergency was constant and it felt almost unreal at times.  I knew that people reading the news in distant lands could click a button, flip a switch, and forget it just like that.  Yet, for the families that I saw lined up to receiver their monthly food rations, or for the children I saw laying in the hospital bed with bandaged wounds - purely from weapons meant to kill - for them, and for us - it was a reality.  Somedays, like that day, it stared you in the face, unforgiving.  The disparity seemed to laugh in my face.  Below is the draft of the post from that day in March.  Hopefully providing a glimpse of the last few months and the reality that people are facing even still today.

- March Post - 

I can hear the hail coming down on the window pains and see the lightening bolts strike.  Thunderstorm.  Not too long ago I also heard the sound of fighter jets flying overhead, were they flying to or from the war in Mosul?  Are the children ok? 

I used to love the rain.  I used to squirm with excitement and run outside with my sister to try and see how long we could play with the lightening and thunder.  The constant pour of water was refreshing and in those days, seemed like they brought healing and life.  Now, rain often causes tears to well up in my eyes.  The thunder reminds me, as it reverberates in my heart, of the pain that families are facing not too far down the road from where I am now.

just down the road, are families sitting in their tents, freezing from the rain, trying to keep things dry.  Just down the road are people like you and me - filled with a sense of hopelessness by a war they can not control.  Just down the road, they sit, waiting, stuck, uncertain of the coming days.  And that rain that once brought me joy in a different season, now brings me a bit of their pain.  I will never know or understand what it feels like to be displaced from my home.  I will never fully feel their pain of loss from family members killed, raped, or brainwashed and it seems cruel to even write about it as if I do understand it, because I don't, and I won't. 

This broken world is still not yet fully healed, and there is a lot of work left to do.  Somedays I wish I could ignore it and live a normal life, with no pain or constant reminder of injustice and violence.  Yet - God is gracious and kind, and forgiving, and gently reminds me...

Pause - End Post

Hoping to post more now that I am home.  Especially hoping to finish my thought sand not leave them hanging for three months like that ... sentence above.  Grandpa - thank you for reading!  I love you!

Alison

Welcome to Limbo Land

It's time for an update.  Do you know how I know it's time for an update?  I think the two baskets of clean laundry sitting in the middle of my room that are waiting to be folded told me it's time.  Their presence has suddenly reminded me that of the 20 "to do" items floating around in my head...updating this blog is currently the most important one.  I also conveniently have used this blog as a procrastinate escape in the past.

With that being said, I didn't quite think through what this particular post could be about aside from an update on the past three months back in the United States.  Seems relevant.  This past August I moved home after spending 7 months in the Middle East.  Three months later and I am currently in limbo land.  Limbo land is my favorite way to describe the season of uncertainty that has continuously been a life theme of mine.  I truly dislike limbo land, but usually it's my fault.  I tend to be drawn to ambiguity and don't really like to feel tied down, on top of that my passions have kind of guided me in the strangest ways.

YET limbo land has taken on a new character.  It used to be a time of frustration while I painstakingly wait for clues about the future.  Now it is a time of relaxation.  It's a new understanding that this is a phase and that I should enjoy it for all it is worth. Even now as I am typing this, I"m beginning to think that limbo land feels a bit selfish, but I promise it is not that.  Rather, it has meant rekindling and strengthening old friendships even if it means a trip to visit friends in California or a random camping trip to Minnesota at the end of October with Bri (COLD).

It's also a whole lot of reading.  I currently have, let me count, 8 books within my immediate vicinity - books that I am reading all at the same time.  Don't ask me how this is possible.  The only way I can explain it is that I get bored easily with one book so I will switch to another after a few chapters.  Or - perhaps, I have spent a few hours reading one book, and decide later on that same day that I would rather read a book about love, "well perfect, self, let me switch books to 'love without limits'" or whatever other book I have on that topic.  It's almost like I have been living through all these stories every day as a I read.  Fun thought no?  It's a spoiled thing to do when I know that I can't bring all these books with me next time I cross the ocean.

Yes, Life has been THAT interesting.  Oh wait, it gets better, because there is also a pair of new and clean running shoes on my floor.  Most of the day is also spent THINKING about running.  Now, I do hope to change the thinking to action soon.  Let it be known that I ran 3 miles yesterday, thought about running 3 today - but showered instead, which means.... that I will by default run 3 more tomorrow since I thought about it all day today.

I've picked up running again because my boyfriend wants me to run a half marathon with him.  In case you read that sentence quickly, or actually forgot to read it.  I just want to point out a keyword.  "Boyfriend."  Michael and I met on a hiking trip in the Middle East and quickly became friends.  I don't quite know how to write out the whole story just yet, and maybe that's for another time, but the big news is basically that God has given me a once in a lifetime opportunity to date this amazing guy named Michael.  So limbo land has also meant spending quality time getting to know him over skype. While long distance is not ideal, the positive of starting a relationship this way is that it makes us talk, a lot.  Every day I am learning something new about Michael and more grateful for our relationship.  He is a passionate and caring man with a lot of energy, and already adds excitement to my life while living thousands of miles away. This will be an adventure, I have no doubt about that.  He is the only person that has told me that he likes hanging out with me because I slow him down.  Usually, people tell me the opposite.  Getting to know Michael has enlarged my heart and left me in awe at the ways that God works to bring people together for His good.  This part of the story is barely unfolding and I can hardly wait to see where it leads.  Michael reminds me to enjoy each stage of our relationship as it comes, even this time apart, accepting it as a gift from God to be cherished.  I really like him.

While I dislike limbo land, it has also given me the time to reflect on and replenish the deep areas in my heart that brought me out to international work in the first place.  I have also been making some new friends that have similar passions and held conversations with cups of coffees in comfy cafes.  Get this, I worked at a bookstore for a week before getting a phone call to let me know that limbo land is finally coming to a close.  It seems I will be heading back to the Middle East very soon, as I wait for a response, I am aware that within a week or two I could be on a plane once more.  My new role will include the communications for an NGO on the front lines of their relief response to the war there. I am thrilled to say the least, especially since it will bring me closer to Michael, that is an added bonus.  Yet, as always, a bit sad to have to say goodbye to friends and family again.

I am grateful for these past three months and the time that it has been.  Also, so very happy to close this post with a clean floor.  My mother came in about two paragraphs ago and helped me fold the clean laundry - so it seems this night is ending well accomplished.  Thank you for reading - updating again soon.  It seems this blog is a sweet way to document the seasons of life over the years from Bolivia, through Fuller in California, to Turkey, India, the Middle East and back - I am amazed at the ways that God works.  All that joy, all that pain -  OH and all that uncertainty of limbo land - wouldn't have it any other way.

Alison

P.S. Here is a song that Michael shared with me while I was going through a hard time earlier - hope you find it encouraging in whatever circumstance you find yourself

Never Imagined

Yesterday I arrived back "home" from a trip to the Holy Land: Jerusalem.  It was great. (photos coming in next post)

Never imagined that I would get a chance to walk around where Jesus did, to explore some tunnels made by Hezekiah in the Bible, or to sit on the exact hill that Jesus gave the sermon on the mount.  Nope - didn't really think of it before - and yet - it still happened.

Seems that a lot of life works like that.  Never imagined a lot of these things that have been happening over the last year.  Yet - it still happened, and it was great.  Today marks a year since I set foot in Turkey - and have since traveled to 12 countries, spending the most time working with internally displaced people.  The exact type of thing that has been breaking my heart for over 3 years now.  I did not know that all of that research and all those late nights would amount to me sitting next to people in their tents and planning sports programs that help to bring healing.

I like not knowing and I like having to trust.  Yet - at the same time, it's confusing.  Did I chose this or did it chose me?

Regardless - this year of work has confirmed that God is actively working in this world and is faithful, true, and loving.  It's not about me choosing or not choosing, it's not even about me obeying - it's about a God loving the people He created and bringing redemption to the world.  I have seen it and will never be the same again.

Short but sweet entry for this evening because time keeps slipping....

Goodnight for now

My Goodnight Story

Exactly midnight.  Headphones In.  Laying in bed – finally. 

I found myself reading a good book that was talking about the stories of our lives.  It was so good – and the music I was listening to was so good at the same time – so it was a mini dilemma, which one should I pay attention to more? So I would read some, listen some, and then, reflect some.

Reflect some.

How in the world did I end up here?  How in the world does time move so fast?  How in the world does life look so similar yet so different in various places across the globe? 

Then all of a sudden a photo falls out of one of my books.  To be fair, I was holding the book upside down because I was lying in my bed reading….and….it was a photo from nearly two years ago.  Me and three friends – we are all in different locations now, all doing some kind of work, and we all don’t get to talk so often.  

Yet – I couldn’t help but smile and let some strange tears of gratitude fall down my face.  How did God work this one out?  To meet amazing people with deep passions, and then, to become involved in work across the world that really reaches out to people who are in a rough season of life yet so loved at the same time.  It's something that really puts life into perspective.  

After a few moments, and with the music playing beautiful melodies in my ears, that’s when I sat up, grabbed this lap top and began to type – because I feel like it’s important to share moments like these.  A moment when we realize that our lives are telling beautiful stories of love and redemption as we meet people and share in their life stories.  That – God leads in ways we could never imagine and to look back and see it is a gift, even the painful parts look like beautiful pieces of a puzzle.  The crazy part, is that, there's still a lot of puzzle pieces left.  

So – that’s my goodnight story.  

unexpected cool thing - hikes

Kids like to take pictures, it's hard to direct when you don't speak the language

Picnic season - so beautiful

The Alison Daires - excerpts from travels

I am so tired, I will not complain - I"ll just describe it.  I'm too tired to even go to bed because that requires me walking up the stairs, brushing my teeth, and then getting into bed.  Too much work.  So the alternative is sitting here and mindlessly letting my fingers type the thoughts that come into my head - a dangerous alternative.

Option C seems better - copying and pasting entries that I've ran across this evening from my travels through India and Nepal...

The work here is good.  It is like a dream come true in many ways, yet very difficult at the same time.  Today I was sitting next to a coworker from Syria, and thinking how just a year ago I was completing research on the Syrian refugee crisis and now....we are making plans to work with people affected by the war.  Those late nights were not in vain.    Anyways, I chose option C, not option B - yet here I am already mindlessly typing away.  Also - this is pretty awesome - currently have Reggaeton music playing in my headphones, something I have not listened to in quite some time, and it just makes these tired and mindless moments so wonderful.  Before I embarrass myself more with rambling thoughts - here are the copy and paste versions of pieces of "entries" from the travels.  These "entries" tend to happen when I want to process my thoughts but am too tired to write them in my journal (like now) with handwriting..  Let's call the next portion of this blog -- the Alison Diaries (part 1)

The Alison Diaries (part 1)

----------------------------------------------------

Oct. 29 - Calcutta

written after spending the day with some kids in the slum, most of whom where high off of sniffing glue or other substances. 

I hate the brokenness that people have to face and want people to see the joy in the midst of the brokenness.  I want to help to bring hope into the dark places.  How?  I have to believe that they too can see redemption in the land of the living.  I have to believe that it is worth it and that positive change is possible.  I have to know agents of change that I can call up to support and encourage them in these difficult times.  In these circumstances, unrelenting, forgiving, unconditional love is necessary.  Tough love too.  It’s an art to love kids that have been through trauma and abuse.  It’s an art.  I think God uses our stories too, to help bring redemption into the lives of others.

November 17 - Nepal

written at a time I was interviewing for next steps and considering how much I wanted to actually commit to international development work.

I’ve been “walking slow” through next steps for the past few years as I try to make sense out of the way that God leads.  I’ve been asking question after question to stranger after stranger (become friend) about why they do what they do and how God has worked in their life.  At some point though, it became time to stop sitting on the sidelines asking questions and to line up to jump into the game when the whistle blows. 

I remember in soccer games, when I was told it was my time to get in the game, a bunch of nerves would come up as I stood at the sideline and waiting for the whistle to blow indicating that someone stepped off, and I stepped on the field.  It was an adrenaline rush to go from sitting on the bench to sprinting full speed down the field or attacking the opposing team’s forward head on within a matter of seconds.  My mind would trick  me into thinking that I wasn’t that good as I sat on the bench, and then within seconds my body would go into full speed and silence the mind as I focused on only what was happening in those moments.  Moment by moment, kick by kick, pass by pass, we would play. 

This is kind of the place I find myself in now – I’m on the sidelines but just about jumping in – I feel the whistle is about to blow and I feel ready to get involved in the world of humanitarian work, wherever it may lead.

Dec. 9 - Bangalore

written at the house of some Korean friends who had graciously hosted me during my first two weeks in India and let me return to their house near the end of my travels.

Less than two weeks left in India.  I’ve hardly begun to express all that has happened over the last three months here, and even before that, the time spent in Turkey.  It’s all blurring together in my mind and every so often memories will come back of funny things that were said or good conversations that were had.

How do you process such a crazy, seemingly random journey that has been woven together so masterfully that to credit anyone other than God would be ludicrous.  I think – you just let it be.

Today as I was enjoying breakfast with the current family that is hosting me, my eyes and thoughts focused on all the little things.  I often do this to remember well places, moments or people.  I noticed the design on the coffee cups, the way that sipping this coffee made everything seem peaceful.  I listened to them speak Korean and thought of all the years they lived here (over 20) and how cool that I got to spend time here.

And then – I realized something.  I’m detail oriented!!  I’ve been paying attention to details my whole life and here I had been telling myself  wasn’t for over 20 years.  Ok, so maybe I do miss the details that others would deem important, but I bet you I remember the other details that no one else does.  The way the face expressions can change between sentences, or the way So what if the details aren’t important by others standards, and ok so maybe I miss the detials.... (I think the girls got home from school so my attention was diverted)

-------------------------------------------------------

So there it is - bits and pieces from those travels.  Signing off this evening - all this to say - Nothing is ever constant - our feelings, our emotions, our way of processing - change.  Even circumstances, those change too, the people that I see regularly who are living in tents or abandoned buildings can tell you that when you place your hope on the things that change and can ultimately be destroyed - you will be disappointed and life will lose purpose.  So -  I believe a life of meaning is one that seeks to know and love God and to love others with that love that only God can give - unconditional, immeasurable, unchanging, and unmoving love.  Something like that.

Goodnight...tired...yet a little more awake - staying up this late may have been a mistake.  On a much cooler end - we are distributing close to 10,000 shoes to IDPs tomorrow.  Excited?? Yes.... From there to here - only God.

To Be Known - Reflections from year 27

February is that month I always look forward to.  It's the month of reflections and new beginnings because it's that special month that God brought me into this world.

Almost always, a year is full of surprises.  I think maybe you would agree that life is a mystery.   This past year has been full of a ridiculous amount of change which has resulted in a broken heart at times and inexplicable joy at others.  It's quite cool when I reflect on it, I"ll say that much.  Quite amazing - I could never have planned this out really.  Being the not so excellent planner and all...  Graduating from a masters program - "moving" back to Chicago - meeting amazing people in 8 countries over a six month period AND receiving an internship with an organization that I greatly respect - for a cause that I am passionate about.  Mix in the painful goodbye to friends and family, the harsh reality of walking away from someone you love, and - there goes my 27th year...  Really - only God could have a handle on the time.  If I had seen it all coming, I think I would have been frozen with wonder and fear.  I might have tried to change a few things to align with my personal desires.  What a mess that would have made.  Step by step, I like that method much more now.

I've now been settled in a new country for three weeks and plan to spend a few months working with internally displaced people.   On the first night that I was here, jet leg was relentless, and I found myself pondering a lot of things.  One of which was the desire that we have to be known.  It was late at night and I had the covers over my head to keep me safe from the mosquitos.  The people I had been closest to were thousands of miles away and after so much bouncing around, there is only so much I could share.   Most people didn't even know where I was, nor did I know where they were.  It seemed that no one really knew me anymore, not even myself.

That night, to drown out the buzz of the mosquitoes, I decided to listen to some music.  One particular song had been repeating in my mind during the flight - so naturally, I listened to it once more. "It takes a lot to know a man" by Damien Rice.  The title should explain a bit of the song - basically.  It takes a lot to know someone.  Accurate, I would say.  Memories came and went as the melodies played.  It made me think, how eloquently beautiful are the melodies of an unexpressed song deep within us – to be known, cherished, and understood yet to find that only the one whom has created us can fully know us.  God has been there all along.  Through it all.  Even more, God has planned it.  God knows it better than myself, especially those nuanced feelings and changes that I may never comprehend.  

There is freedom in knowing that I am loved and understood by God.  It relieves the pressure that I place on others to meet unfulfilled desires.  It relieves the pressure to understand exactly why things are happening.  It creates a trust that can not be broken and a peace that transcends all.  It is only by the love of God that I can then be confident in who God created me to be.  In the words, of Tim Keller, “The only eyes in the universe who can see you to the bottom, love you to the skies.”  It is a truth that we must constantly be reminded of because the world is full of lies and distractions.  That night, alone in that room, and even now with these tired eyes, I find comfort in being seen, loved, and known by God.  That is enough. “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

Goodnight.

Photo from a hike with other interns being sent across the globe.  Step by Step - it's a beautiful journey.

Spent two good weeks at home, nothing quite like home.

Awestruck 

India travels and a visit to a brothel

It’s about time for an update – I’ve been trying to do this for a few days now and have failed miserably.  Distractions are never limited.  Today I write from Mumbai, India.  Since Calcutta I have traveled to Kathmandu in Nepal, Delhi, and here.  Tuesday I will pack up my little bag once more and return to Bangalore for the final stint of my India travels. I still hate packing my bags.  That hasn’t changed.

It’s been quite the whirlwind.  Part of the reason I’ve put off this writing for so long is because I don’t know where to begin.  Do I write about visiting places that work with people of disabilities in Nepal, or about the random stranger on the plane who shared passionately his preferred life legacy that included photos of men lifting heavy weights and pulling cars with their..ya know, or what about the people who generously open their home to me with a week’s notice, never having met me, I could have been a crazy! 

So – I’ll just write about yesterday.

 Yesterday I visited a brothel for the first time.  I was confused whether or not it was a brothel or apartment complex and realized, it’s basically both.  The same place the women work, is where they sleep, eat and live.  In small boxed off rooms with open doors that never seem to close, and a dingy stool outside for the men who might be waiting.  It’s a strange thing to see.  It’s a sobering thing to see. Similar to the boys living on the train tracks in Calcutta, for whatever reason, walking through the hallways, it seemed every bit normal as it was strange.  Like this was just a normal part of life.  In reality, I was walking through their every day of normal life for the occupants of 90 rooms.

Each room had a wall dividing two beds that were raised to about the height of the stool I’m sitting on now.  When I asked about the kids, I was told the kids often sleep under those beds at night while their mother works.  We prayed over a baby that was sick with a fever, just shy of 30 days of life, this little baby girl had been given to a fellow worker by the mother.  What compassion to take care of someone else’s baby who was unwanted.  Unwanted because her father was a john, a random customer, never to be seen again.  We prayed for the baby because we were asked to, and all I could do was lay my hands on this precious little girl’s stomach, and bow my head before God and pray for light in this broken place.  I felt her little pulse and looked at her tiny frame – Lord, healing, more than just physical – now please.

We continued on to distribute Christmas invitations and a fight broke out between some women.  I could not understand a word, but I could see the anger as others gathered to watch two women yell at one another with disdain.  Just earlier I had seen two kids from a center in the red light area fight with one another, the staff explained that kids see violence in the brothels, and so it is hard to teach otherwise – patience and love are required. 

I’ve seen some of this patience and love acted out in creative ways in each city.  In Calcutta I visited two organizations that help women come out of the trade by teaching life skills and sewing, creating a community of support in the process.  Here in Mumbai there are other places that make jewelry and baked goods.  My current host is even working on the beginnings of an organization that would help with aftercare, having committed long term to a life here.  Still so much love is needed.  Still many woman are trapped in a chamber, and told the lie that they are worth nothing more than what their body can give.  10 days I’m told.  In the beginning, young virgin girls are broken in over 10 days with beatings and rapes that train the body to take the demands and the mind to unravel under the pressure and accept the lie that this is what they are made for.  In time – it becomes what I saw – a seemingly normal part of life to be accepted, a necessary means to an end– but it is not.  It’s injustice.

When will we all stand up and say enough?  Enough.  Enough killings – enough raping of people, minds, the environment.  I should rephrase that, we don’t need to just say enough, to just stand up - we need to walk towards justice.  We can sit and read about this stuff and write about it all we want, but the reality is that the same few minutes that it takes to click through article after article, opinion after opinion, there are millions of people subjected to everyday violence and evils.  There are people with a deficit of love.  For those of us who have been given much, much will be expected (Luke 12:48).  The more I travel and see good work that is being done – the more I am convinced that one of the greatest ways to fight injustice is to love well.  To love immeasurably– not counting the cost as lost, but something gained.  It’s all those paradoxical sayings that we were raised with coming to life.  “When I am weak, then I am strong,” “The first shall be last, the last shall be first.”  “Love your enemies” 

A life that seeks to embody these truths, is a life well lived.  Not easy but worth it.

There is much more I could write, but I wanted to be able to add some photos so without further to do – some photos from my travels.  Hope all is well – nearly a month left in this beautiful country.

Calcutta, India

Flower Market

Girls empowerment class at a center for kids in a slum area

making flowers 

Marble Palace

My host for three weeks, great times!

outside Mother Teresa house

Kathmandu, Nepal 

Met the woman above on the plane and the next day was visiting her center for people with disabilities.

riding through the streets, propane gas is limited with a fuel crisis going on

Visiting some temples

One of the unexpected gifts of the travels has been visiting friends in different parts of the world.  Pramil graduated a year earlier from me and now works with Samaritan's Purse in Nepal.

temples

Sundar Dhoka - amazing place, church started by the marginalized in Nepal

They walk through these and pray as they touch them.

Delhi, India

Center for kids with disabilities.  This woman named Pramila started Samadhan many years ago and it is thriving.

She wanted me to take her photo like this, it's her pose.

My lovely host in Delhi who along with her husband and two boys made me feel welcome and at home.

I met Tiya in Turkey and she was amazing at connecting me to people in the city over the short four days I was there.  Will hopefully see her again in Bangalore!

Mumbai (Bombay), India

First night here we had "friendsgiving" and sat on top of the roof.

 

One of my lovely hosts here (taylor) who agreed to let me stay without knowing me.  CHRISTMAS IS ALMOST HERE>

 One month left and can hardly wait to see family and friends back home for a bit before....the next steps.  :)

Slums of Calcutta

It seems normal when you’re there.  It almost feels like everyday life is supposed to be this way, until you analyze it.  Wait, were the toddlers really walking around naked?  Did I really see people bathing in public in a community bath?  Was the old lady really just sitting there spacing out and were those men really passed out sleeping (or drunk) in the little barracks like that?  Well, yes.  The four boys grabbed my arms and briskly walked with me to their drop in center.  These boys are special boys.  They meet each day for a free meal and then go to the drop in center to spend some time together, either resting, coloring, or playing games.  It’s a safe haven from the drug addictions that all too often consume their lives.

All four boys were barefoot as we walked for 10 minutes to the center.  “Auntie, papaya!  Auntie lock! Auntie watch!” The boys would yell out English words they knew with pride and excitement as we made our way through the crowds, dodging cars and all.  My hands were sweaty, but they never let go.  One boy on each side and another holding onto my wrist – we walked on.  I could feel my heart quicken with excitement, and I trusted them to lead the way through unfamiliar territory, a place they called home.  I was almost convinced these boys weren’t really drug addicts like they said they were, until I watched them reluctantly toss their glue into a plastic bag to be disposed of.  Of the 20 kids I was surrounded with, nearly all of the children were under the age of 15 and addicted to glue or alcohol.  The center serves as a place to provide safety and build relationships, and all boys and girls are provided with the opportunity to come clean through a rehabilitation home.  I was seeing, for the first time, a group of children for whom the heart of God breaks.

I came to Calcutta with no plans.  It was a dumb idea really, but planning that far in advance when you don’t know what exists in the city is difficult.  So I got off the plane and began to process the ludicrous idea that I could be THAT flexible without a schedule.  There is a first time for everything I guess.  I had an idea that I would like to visit Mother Teresa’s ministry, and had heard that the sisters might know of other good places to visit, so I trusted that idea at least.

By God’s grace (big emphasis here), my host who quickly became a friend connected me to a place that works all over the city in community development.  This is the most amazing work I have seen.  They have many different projects around the city and are truly incarnational as the centers are located within the slums, close to the people.  Many of the staff that work at the centers have gone through similar programs themselves or have had their lives personally touched by the ministry.  Over the last two years I have been reading about “transformation” but this place lives it.  The community is truly being transformed by their love and dedication to serve among the poorest of the poor. 

One worker invited me to watch him cut the hair of some of the boys that are addicted to glue; a cheap high for those living in slums or on the streets.  Scissors in hand, he explained that he once sat where this boy sat, he understands what this boy feels, he grew up here and was addicted to glue too.  He talked about how he now loves spending time with the boys and girls.  “They (the center) don’t ask me to cut their hair” he said, “I taught myself by watching the hairdresser cut my hair in a mirror.  I wanted to be able to cut these boys hair too.”  It was a simple act of love, and it was beautiful. 

Over these next two weeks I am excited to participate in some of their activities and to see the ways that simple acts of love can transform the lives of those the world would consider weak or poor.  God sees so much more.  This organization has caught a vision of love and transformation that is inspiring.  They get it, and they don’t give up on people.  I am humbled by what I see.  It is a one step at a time type thing.  So here is to keeping my mouth shut and watching the love of Christ unfold in the slums of Calcutta.  

Crying at the airport

It is a chill afternoon in the mountain town of Kodaikanal, India.  I've come here to spend the week with the family of a friend from Fuller and have been enjoying the peaceful and relaxing atmosphere.  The rainy afternoons allow me time to sit, be still, and think more deeply about all that has been happening.

I have now been in India for almost three weeks and am slowly adjusting to the changes.  The tastes, smell, language, colors, transportation, even method of showering, are all quite different and keep my mind active.

This is where the girls do homework and early morning prayer

India is a beautiful country, and each city has their own flavor.  I've been spending time in the outskirts of Bangalore, which is located in South India.  This city is known as the garden city as it is quite green.  During my first two weeks I stayed at a children's home; sharing a room with a girl from Myanmar who has dedicated her year to taking care of three girls from various parts of India.  We would spend afternoons talking and playing all together after school.  I am quite humbled by their spiritual discipline schedule.  Everyday they would wake up at 5 a.m. in order to start prayer and bible reading by 5:30 a.m.  Each evening they would also spend an hour reading the bible and in prayer together.  It felt like a special gift that I could be there to hear the prayers on their hearts and the ways that scriptures spoke to them.   I struggled to wake up so early and would be the last one at the table for morning prayer.  I'm curious to meet these girls in the future to see where God leads them.

A hindu temple that sits close to where we live.  We would walk laps around the land behind it.

There are many hindu temples here, which are colorful buildings with idols built all around up top.  In the morning I could see men praying to idols as they walk past.  It is my first time seeing people pray to idols in this way and I am learning more about the way that everyday life practices are intertwined with the hindu religion.  Even the cows in the streets are considered to be Gods.

I have purchased my tickets and will be traveling to three different cities over the next two months to see places that do work in community development or to meet people who have dedicated their life to serving others.  I can hardly believe this opportunity to see and discern what steps are next,

It is not without fear and difficulties though.   Within a few hours of arriving in India I found myself crying in a chair at the airport.  I had just argued with a lady over my next flight ticket which she said was non existent so I would have to pay for an extra flight.  My feelings of justice kicked in as I explained, I'd already bought the ticket, this was not fair, and I did not understand why they could not issue me the ticket.  She would not budge, "you have to pay," she demanded.  "Ok" I said, "how much," She responded with a ridiculous amount of rupies, something thousand, and so I asked, "how much is that in dollars?" 76 dollars.  My mouth dropped open and my eyes welled with tears.  I didn't want to pay, I can't just throw around money now.  To spare further embarrassment I told her I'd be back and stepped away to sit down and wipe my eyes.  Why was I crying?  I'm not a wimp, am I?  76 dollars is not the end of the world, suck it up.  But I couldn't.  I had arrived at 3 am, and had been to three different counters, waiting in line, only to find each time that my ticket was not there, maybe I was tired.

I sat there and observed the chaos around me as I pondered what to do.  I wanted to go home and sleep.  I saw a white girl chugging a yellow gatorade, looking all sickly.  She had probably been vomiting or something earlier to be chugging the drink like it was going to bring her salvation.  Fear seized me and I wondered why I had decided to continue on to India.  I felt so alone.  I felt weak and tired and ...alone...  What am I doing in India?  Tears continued to fall as I tried to process why in the world I was crying anyways.

The manager of the woman who I had been arguing with suddenly walked up to me quickly and explained he had found a way to get me a free ticket and rushed me over to counter to send my baggage.  He told me to make sure I booked my ticket next time (I promise I had), and said this time he would help.  What compassion.  I remembered praying as I entered the airport that God would provide people to help me through, I didn't realize I would need this much help, but I felt cared for in that moment.  Before I knew it I was on the flight to Bangalore, exhausted, alone, and a bit scared.  I guess I"m staying in India, not going home, I signed up for this.  Not giving a care what anybody thought,  I curled up against the window and fell asleep for the entire 3 hour flight over..     ,

One thing about being away from everything and everyone that you know is that it makes you experience all sorts of emotions as you truly examine your life and identity.  It makes you take a step back and see life from a new perspective.  It makes me realize just how much grace I need in everyday life.  Taking a step like this into the unknown made me realize, there really is no turning back, I've made my choice and I am here.  I have to learn how to be vulnerable and accept help from strangers (with discernment) and to embrace the changes in friendships and relationships over time.  It has made me grateful for what has been, curious about what will be, yet very attentive to the present moments as they quickly pass me by.  Presently, I am happy to spend this next week in a peaceful and cozy place before entering more unknowns in India.  I now think that I am in India for a reason, and it will take some time to fully understand why.  Hope all is well on your end.  I think of friends and family often.

Alison
p.s. i think another day I"ll add pictures/commentary from my trip through Europe.  I completely missed a post on that journey.

There are many light outages so we would always use candles, the girls put together this collage themselves

Bindu on top of their building

Indian Sari :)  So fun!

Again, light outage, and they wanted to document it

Visited this work, Chai316, a center by a College that provides a space for community and witness.

My lovely host for the first two weeks.  Has lived in India for over 20 years.  6:30 am walks with her around this field.

I shared a room with Gracie who came from Myanmar to study in India and has dedicated this year to living at the girl's home.

Goodbye Head Lice

This update will be quick, and not so beautifully written - but I feel it is important to write this evening because - it is my last evening in Turkey!

Tomorrow evening I will fly to India.  Can I just say wow.  WOW.

Life has been crazy.  Over the last two weeks I traveled to 5 different European countries and saw some beautiful things while processing a lot of what has been happening.  I even had a 10 hour train ride, and you think that would be a good chunk of time to become bored - but I had so much on my mind that it wasn't even enough time and by the end of the trip I hoped I had more time to be still.

I am waking up super early to pack.  I am not excited to pack, never have been.  It is not a skill I have.

I think it is noteworthy to say that I had head lice over the past few days.  That is right, little bugs crawling in my hair and eggs ALL over. It was not the best thing to happen on this trip.  Let me tell you though, God cares about me and another friend, because we were not alone, we both had the little critters in our hair and as we were quarantined - we spent days together.  With murderous agility, we went through one another's hair to kill all the eggs!  Hours, I have spent well over 15 hours going through hair over the past few days.  In fact that is nearly all we have done, as we have enjoyed our last days together, we have formed a licting bond. (get it? like "lasting" bond - but I made a pun).  That's right, got my master degree now, see what I can do with language now!?

It is quite hilarious when you think about it.  We have had "phases" of ridding the eggs - one of which was covering our hair completely in olive oil and leaving it in for the night while sleeping with "shower caps" (which we couldn't find and were actually food coverings) and tshirts wrapped over our hair.  My blanket that night was a towel so that we didn't infect anything.  Comments were thrown around like, "Wow Alison, your roots look just like an egg, did you know that!"   I have four white hairs, and when you think about it - it's quite amazing that God knows the number of hairs on our head because THERE ARE A LOT.

Today we did my last check late at night, and am happy to report, no eggs were found.  Which is great considering the fact that today we visited the family I most likely got them from to say goodbye and to my absolute horror, the kids placed a hat on my head within 5 minutes of sitting down.  All I could do was make a silly face, smile, and discreetly take it off my head.  What are the odds?  We have learned though, that sometimes, it is more important to love then to care about silly things like bugs in your hair.  I am so glad we visited them, it was a special time.   I will post photos and video later if possible.  For now, I must go to sleep.  Much to be done in a short time.

Happy to report that discernment is happening, my heart is happy, and my trust is growing as I spend more time learning about the ways that God works in the world.  I can feel this heart being molded, and sometimes it hurts, but most times its good.

Have a wonderful week - do not take healthy for granted either!! Forgot to mention that I spent a day very sick in Greece too, it was not fun.  I am still taking antibiotics over 10 days later to rid the illness.  Start taking my malaria pills tomorrow!!  So...yes - if you are reading this, and feel good - for me, and the others who are reading this and don't feel so swell - please, do something active for us.  :)

Also - if you are thinking that this update is a good justification for your avoidance of travels or takings some risks in life - I disagree with you - and can tell you firsthand that it is worth it.  The joy outweighs the pain by a long shot.  Perspective.

Miss the fam!

Alison

The nomadic week

I've been living like a nomad with my one backpack for the past week.  Last friday, the people I was staying with got sick with a highly contagious bacteria that has continued to spread to different people we know.  I've stayed in three different places and have two outfits, one blue shirt and one black shirt.  It's been quite the week.

Not because of that though - it's been quite the week because I have met many new families with children from Syria.  I have seen little bright and shining faces running around and have heard various stories of what it means to seek a better future.

I also spent three days of this week in a kitchen where I continued the basic cutting skills that I was taught in Bolivia - cooking in other cultures seems to be a theme that I do enjoy.  We cooked for over 200 one day!  That's a record for me.  I hope to cook in India too.

We are currently in finals week (MY LAST ONE), so this post will be less words and more photos.  I am including photos from a trip that we took to Cappadocia, an ancient city, a few weeks ago and then just random everyday life here.  Including some photos from the bazaar which is currently happening below me.

Lord willing, on Monday I will travel to Greece to learn more about work with refugees there and then will continue on to Germany and Switzerland to visit friends and family!  It will be a short stay in each place, but I am so grateful.  Turns out that flights from Turkey are extremely cheap, and my measly savings can afford these joy filled gifts.  I don't think I realized how significant it was that I could share a room with Claudia and Sharon during my last few months in California because those savings can now be used to visit friends and family!

Crossing the bosphorus at night is gorgeous

this morning when I stepped outside, the bazaar was happening

crossing the bosphorus 

Cappadocia - see the holes?  Those are entrances to where people lived in the BC times!!!!

A castle 

These are churches - people are lined up to enter in.  Inside are beautiful murals, we weren't allowed to take photos.  Persecuted Christians sought hiding in this area during the Roman Empire

There were indications of the Christians that used to live here with crosses

This was a door, the caves had trap doors that could close off in case of intruders

We were inside a HUGE cave that could host 5,000 people.  Crazy tunnels underground

Inside one of the rock houses (above ground one)

Over the land - Claudia pose attempt - it will get better, wait till India! ;)

Inside the cave - we went so deep by ourselves and shut off the light to sit in pitch dark

Syrian Refugee Children

On the ferry :)

My first Persian meal with friends from Iran - so delicious and like nothing I have tried before

Visiting the town where some refugee friends live

coming into Istanbul at night - the little lights are the ships in the water.  Ships in the night!  Got so excited.

Tourist part of town

English time

Another area that friends live in

I have slowly gotten to know the kids from this family as their mother gives me arabic lessons 

Roaming the streets and looking for a cake - I really enjoyed spending time with these kids 

Walking in the street, woman like to walk with their arms intertwined and I love it.  I need to get braver at taking photos - so many interesting things to see.