I'm updating my blog because of a strange coincidence. I'm probably too nerdely excited about it as well.
I stalked a Professor of a class I am going to audit. And the reason I am going to audit it, is because she is so cool! And..this is the coincidence. Her blog...LOOKS JUST LIKE MY BLOG. Same mountain/rainy design..same blogger.com. She must be cool. But really, read this phrase she wrote in a post:
Who we are is what we live on the inside 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Growing on the inside is learning to have a life.
Wows. I'll add - it's also how we choose to live out that person that is growing on the inside through actions, words, and love.
Needless to say, I'm getting pretty pumped about school starting soon.
Today I was reading Mathew and was struck, like a brick to the head, by just how wrong we can be in our thinking. There's a section called "The Seven Woes" in which Jesus uses all types of mean language to the religious leaders of the day. (Mathew 23) He was so disgusted by it all. How disgusted must he be by the lives we lead at times? He called them blind too. I've been "blind" before. Not living like I should, saying one thing but doing another. Thought I was following God, turns out I was not. Thought I had faith, turns out I doubted. However, even for people like me, there is hope. At the end of his harsh words. Jesus states that they will not see him again until they say "Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord."
Peter, one of the 12 disciples (followers of Jesus), was "blind" for a time as well. There's this story where Peter proudly states his undying love for Jesus right before Jesus is to be captured and killed. Instead of receiving approval or a loving hug full of gratitude, Peter is told - by Jesus- that Peter will deny Jesus three times before the next morning. For Peter, such a thing sounded impossible; he loved Jesus, he would give up his life for Jesus - he had already given up everything to follow Jesus. How could he do such a horrendous, unthinkable, evil thing? Deny someone you love?
But, as it would happen. When Jesus was captured, and things looked bleak, Peter denied ever knowing Jesus, it even said that he swore on it (SINNA) - three times! Upon realizing what he had done, he went outside and wept bitterly. How painful. To hurt someone you love. Yet God still used him. Peter didn't lose his faith nor was it held against him. Perhaps that's because Jesus understood just how broken we are in this human race, and he knew that a moment like this could transform Peter, and that Peter would one day be a solid ROCK that would build the Church.
Lets digress ok? Because this is how my thought process went as I read the story, and for the first time, I identified with Peter as a sinner and understood a little of this pain that he felt. Peter was a disciple hot shot. Not a hot shot in the secular world by any means. The way I understand it, he hung out with this mysterious man and lived no where yet everywhere. Peter had seen Jesus do miracles, multiply food, heal people, raise a man from the dead, calm stories and many more amazing jaw dropping things. MORE than that, he had the privilege of spending night and day by his side and witnessed the spotless life of Jesus, full in kindness, compassion, righteous anger and self control. Peter didn't read it, he LIVED it. Peter felt love like never before from this Jesus. Peter was chosen and special and most of all loved by the son of God himself. Yet, in an instant, when troubles came his way, and Jesus was captured, he was blinded and all hope was lost. Doubt took over, and the faith to believe that Jesus could overcome was no where to be found. EVEN AFTER walking on the water and being told of his little faith (you'd think you'd learn after being told once right!?). EVEN AFTER confessing his undying love for Jesus. He still caved.
Peter is just like us. Through his weakness, he sinned. Yet, God forgave him and used him still. God used him in a mighty way. The story doesn't end in depression or with Peter wallowing in sin. Peter did mourn, he had remorse, but then, he was given a new hope and his faith was restored. He never denied Christ again and understood firsthand that God's love covers all.
He knows our hearts and his grace is greater still.
"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." - Romans 5:8
So - this turned into a pretty long entry. Good. Maybe I"ll get some sleep tonight.
QUE SLEEP MUSIC...
Rest your head on hallelujahs
P.S. sleep music means it is slow, but oh so good. Goodnight.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Monday, September 9, 2013
I moved to California
What in the world?
Today, I am in Southern California. It happened - I moved. 6 days ago to be exact. Out my window are...are you ready for this?....palm trees. AND, I can see mountains, which - I have been informed, aren't actually mountains, they're "foothills."
As a procrastinator in life, big moves like these just seem to happen in a blink of an eye because little preparation goes into it all - also because the decision was made a little over a month ago.
Goodbyes this time around were not easy. Two days before the big move, I was driving home with some friends from a little weekend getaway, when it finally hit like a ton of bricks. Things will never be the same, and I chose this. Ouch. It hurt. I have to say goodbye to these people I love and have shared my life with. My home church and my family. What ensued I was not ready for, tons of tears, in public tears! How lame! I usually like to cry after the people have left, but in front of, just makes the pain seem ten times worse. For fifteen minutes I pretended to sleep but actually, what I was doing, was gulping down the tears and wiping them under my little black jacket. In the past, I just denied change when it was happening which resulted in months of clinging on tightly to the past, which as we all know, is long gone.
A few months ago, a friend texted me the verse, "And Lots wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt." I remember reading it as a kid and immediately after bouncing up the stairs to ask my mom, "REALLY, God can do that!?! SALT! He turned a woman into SALT!?"
As an adult, my question was more like, "REALLY, He turned her into salt for that!? We really shouldn't look back!?" Nope. Just in case we doubt it, Jesus also told us in Luke 9:62, "No one who puts a hand to the plow, and looks back, is fit for service in the Kingdom of God."
I think as these next steps are taken forward, it's important to appreciate what was, and look forward with confidence that God is present and actively working. Instead of yearning for what once was, to take joy in the present and live life to the fullest in the here and now.
So California. What's it like? It's hot. It's new. It's different. And I can't even imagine the type of stories that will be lived out here. My roommates and I are excited and ready to open our doors to families and friends this year from all walks of life. I have yet to start classes and will spend the next two weeks job hunting and preparing for whatever may come. Here we goes!
Today, I am in Southern California. It happened - I moved. 6 days ago to be exact. Out my window are...are you ready for this?....palm trees. AND, I can see mountains, which - I have been informed, aren't actually mountains, they're "foothills."
As a procrastinator in life, big moves like these just seem to happen in a blink of an eye because little preparation goes into it all - also because the decision was made a little over a month ago.
Goodbyes this time around were not easy. Two days before the big move, I was driving home with some friends from a little weekend getaway, when it finally hit like a ton of bricks. Things will never be the same, and I chose this. Ouch. It hurt. I have to say goodbye to these people I love and have shared my life with. My home church and my family. What ensued I was not ready for, tons of tears, in public tears! How lame! I usually like to cry after the people have left, but in front of, just makes the pain seem ten times worse. For fifteen minutes I pretended to sleep but actually, what I was doing, was gulping down the tears and wiping them under my little black jacket. In the past, I just denied change when it was happening which resulted in months of clinging on tightly to the past, which as we all know, is long gone.
A few months ago, a friend texted me the verse, "And Lots wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt." I remember reading it as a kid and immediately after bouncing up the stairs to ask my mom, "REALLY, God can do that!?! SALT! He turned a woman into SALT!?"
As an adult, my question was more like, "REALLY, He turned her into salt for that!? We really shouldn't look back!?" Nope. Just in case we doubt it, Jesus also told us in Luke 9:62, "No one who puts a hand to the plow, and looks back, is fit for service in the Kingdom of God."
I think as these next steps are taken forward, it's important to appreciate what was, and look forward with confidence that God is present and actively working. Instead of yearning for what once was, to take joy in the present and live life to the fullest in the here and now.
So California. What's it like? It's hot. It's new. It's different. And I can't even imagine the type of stories that will be lived out here. My roommates and I are excited and ready to open our doors to families and friends this year from all walks of life. I have yet to start classes and will spend the next two weeks job hunting and preparing for whatever may come. Here we goes!
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| Cousin's (Abby) outdoor Wedding. Beautiful. |
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| Bike riding with mom. :) |
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| I got into a car crash, my fault. Here's my explanation. |
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| Good friends from Willow Creek |
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| Riding horses my last weekend home |
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| Playing rumikub with Grandma and Grandpa and Lisie! |
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| Lisie and I drove to watch heat lightening in Mundelein, supa cool. |
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| It is SO HOT here that we stumbled upon this poor dead animal... |
Monday, July 29, 2013
I decided to go
"And you will name your child Craig...WHY? Because God brought me here to stir up your faith!" silence....
....I hate it when my phone dies in the middle of something good like it did last night while listening to a great sermon by this awesome man - Craig Groeschel. So instead of hearing his next words the last phrase repeated it my mind over and over...
To stir up your faith...
Two nights ago I met my two new roommates for the first time over a skype call. 1 girl from Oklahoma, and the other from Singapore - we chatted it up. I can't tell you how exciting it was to hear them share their passions and personalities, and also how nerve racking it was to realize what this conversation meant.
This conversation meant commitment. There was a small moment, when one of the girls said, "so are you guys in?" She meant, do you guys want to live together? But for me the question meant, "Alison, are you going to Fuller or not." It wouldn't be cool to lead on these two girls and then leave them hanging. So I had to think fast as my mind shot through the three possible answers, yes, no, give me time. I have had time, I've had tons of time, and it didn't help anything. These girls are great, and I wanted to get to know them, and so I said yes.
I said yes to Fuller Theological Seminary. I said yes to moving to California in a month. I said yes to saying goodbye to friends and family here for the next few years. And I said yes to a new chapter in life where everything is vague, not at all planned out, and super unknown.
I made the decision, in my head, a week ago. In my head. When you make a decision in your head, without any type of action attached. You can still pretend like things aren't going to change. I found that as I began to tell people, the decision became real. And - mixed emotions surfaced that I didn't think would arise.
It's that awful mixture of a helpless and sad feeling. It's the realization of a new chapter in life that requires an ending paragraph to my current reality. Things will never be the same, and this time, I am choosing it. And quite frankly, I am perfectly happy with the present, things have been going great! So it is confusing why I would choose to move when everything is going so well here.
If I go based off my feelings, I might not be going anymore, I would just sway back and forth like I have been for weeks. If I go based off practicality, I wouldn't be going either, because everything points to an easier and comfortable route through graduate school here. But If I go based off of faith, that is the only way I am able to go. Because otherwise it just doesn't make sense.
Tonight as Craig talked to me through a computer screen.... there were a few quotes that stuck out to me -
1. "We need to have faith to start, to take the next step. You don't have to have the faith to finish, you have to have the faith to start."
2. "The decisions that we make today will determine the stories that we tell tomorrow."
3. "Sometimes the best decision you can make is to go when it would be easier to stay."
4. This man was comfortable with who God made him to be and how God could use him in his weakness of not knowing everything. Let that be me.
Do I think it's a coincidence that the week that I finally decide to go when it it would be easier to stay, there is confirmation in this sermon? No. It just stirred up my faith that God is in control and guiding this little light of mine.
Lord willing, I'm moving from Chicagoland to Pasadena, California...very soon. I am scared. I am nervous. I'm excited. But everything will be alright.
P.S. The sermon I"m referring to can be found at the Willow Creek Website titled "My Story: I decided to go" by Craig Groeschel
....I hate it when my phone dies in the middle of something good like it did last night while listening to a great sermon by this awesome man - Craig Groeschel. So instead of hearing his next words the last phrase repeated it my mind over and over...
To stir up your faith...
Two nights ago I met my two new roommates for the first time over a skype call. 1 girl from Oklahoma, and the other from Singapore - we chatted it up. I can't tell you how exciting it was to hear them share their passions and personalities, and also how nerve racking it was to realize what this conversation meant.
This conversation meant commitment. There was a small moment, when one of the girls said, "so are you guys in?" She meant, do you guys want to live together? But for me the question meant, "Alison, are you going to Fuller or not." It wouldn't be cool to lead on these two girls and then leave them hanging. So I had to think fast as my mind shot through the three possible answers, yes, no, give me time. I have had time, I've had tons of time, and it didn't help anything. These girls are great, and I wanted to get to know them, and so I said yes.
I said yes to Fuller Theological Seminary. I said yes to moving to California in a month. I said yes to saying goodbye to friends and family here for the next few years. And I said yes to a new chapter in life where everything is vague, not at all planned out, and super unknown.
I made the decision, in my head, a week ago. In my head. When you make a decision in your head, without any type of action attached. You can still pretend like things aren't going to change. I found that as I began to tell people, the decision became real. And - mixed emotions surfaced that I didn't think would arise.
It's that awful mixture of a helpless and sad feeling. It's the realization of a new chapter in life that requires an ending paragraph to my current reality. Things will never be the same, and this time, I am choosing it. And quite frankly, I am perfectly happy with the present, things have been going great! So it is confusing why I would choose to move when everything is going so well here.
If I go based off my feelings, I might not be going anymore, I would just sway back and forth like I have been for weeks. If I go based off practicality, I wouldn't be going either, because everything points to an easier and comfortable route through graduate school here. But If I go based off of faith, that is the only way I am able to go. Because otherwise it just doesn't make sense.
Tonight as Craig talked to me through a computer screen.... there were a few quotes that stuck out to me -
1. "We need to have faith to start, to take the next step. You don't have to have the faith to finish, you have to have the faith to start."
2. "The decisions that we make today will determine the stories that we tell tomorrow."
3. "Sometimes the best decision you can make is to go when it would be easier to stay."
4. This man was comfortable with who God made him to be and how God could use him in his weakness of not knowing everything. Let that be me.
Do I think it's a coincidence that the week that I finally decide to go when it it would be easier to stay, there is confirmation in this sermon? No. It just stirred up my faith that God is in control and guiding this little light of mine.
Lord willing, I'm moving from Chicagoland to Pasadena, California...very soon. I am scared. I am nervous. I'm excited. But everything will be alright.
P.S. The sermon I"m referring to can be found at the Willow Creek Website titled "My Story: I decided to go" by Craig Groeschel
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| Jessica in Chicago. |
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| 1 method to make a decision. Throw the pieces of paper, pick one. (Uncle Nate helping me decide - I asked him to do it) |
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| Lisie loves starbucks for all her internship/study purposes. |
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| Cousin Miriam visited from Wisconsin!! |
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| Chicago. It's a good place. |
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| Gold Cup Finals today - US vs. Panama. We won 1-0! |
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| A small bike ride turned long/naturey...found this cool green place |
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| ....And we found a tractor for climbing! |
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Is it Worth it?
As the reality of going into debt for a degree that doesn't promise any sort of merit or a good paying job sets in; I sometimes become trapped into thinking that it just might not be worth it. Discouraging thoughts begin to fill my mind and I begin to question..well...everything.
In this process of discernment I have met with countless people from all walks of life. Curious about the way God works, I often ask them to reflect and share how they have seen God work in their lives.
Through it all, I am amazed by the way that God works. Stories of heartbreak, stories of trial, stories of uncertainty and stories of grace and goodness. However, there seems to be a pattern. This pattern freaks me out. It seems, those who full-heartedly set out to follow God, whether it be here or abroad, face an insurmountable amount of pain at times. They speak of times of unhappiness and turmoil, and it all sounds so painful. At times I find myself asking... Is it worth it? Why in the world do I want to follow God if it seems that I am promised trials? Where is the love that we are told about since childhood? Why would a loving God allow such pain? I know I"m promised his presence, but that doesn't negate the pain, the pain is still there, and it is very real. Heartbreak is never fun.
Today that was the nagging question on my mind as I set off to the library with books and papers to make a decision on graduate school. I wished the question could have been which school to attend, but instead I was bombarded with thoughts about why in the world I am even trying so hard to study something that will put me in debt and pay almost nothing. Not practical, and not promising - so it seems.
But in reading the Bible..this is what jumped out and comforted my heart.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18
"Yes, we live under constant danger of death because we serve Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be evident in our dying bodies. So we live in the face of death, but this has resulted in eternal life for you. But we continue to preach because we have the same kind of faith the psalmist had when he said, "I believe in God, so I spoke." We know that God, who raised the Lord Jesus, will also raise us with Jesus and present us to himself together with you. All of this is for your benefit. And as God's grace reaches more and more people, there will be great thanksgiving, and God will receive more and more glory. That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever."
Ok, so I can't comprehend nor see the outcome of everything. However, I know God does love. He loves more than we could ever imagine. If trials lead to someone else experiencing God's love, than it is all worth it.
Shout out to Lisie for showing me this song. It's like Jesus' love song. It's my jam yo.
"We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves."
2 Corinthians 4:7
Psalm 73:26
My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.
In this process of discernment I have met with countless people from all walks of life. Curious about the way God works, I often ask them to reflect and share how they have seen God work in their lives.
Through it all, I am amazed by the way that God works. Stories of heartbreak, stories of trial, stories of uncertainty and stories of grace and goodness. However, there seems to be a pattern. This pattern freaks me out. It seems, those who full-heartedly set out to follow God, whether it be here or abroad, face an insurmountable amount of pain at times. They speak of times of unhappiness and turmoil, and it all sounds so painful. At times I find myself asking... Is it worth it? Why in the world do I want to follow God if it seems that I am promised trials? Where is the love that we are told about since childhood? Why would a loving God allow such pain? I know I"m promised his presence, but that doesn't negate the pain, the pain is still there, and it is very real. Heartbreak is never fun.
Today that was the nagging question on my mind as I set off to the library with books and papers to make a decision on graduate school. I wished the question could have been which school to attend, but instead I was bombarded with thoughts about why in the world I am even trying so hard to study something that will put me in debt and pay almost nothing. Not practical, and not promising - so it seems.
But in reading the Bible..this is what jumped out and comforted my heart.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18
"Yes, we live under constant danger of death because we serve Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be evident in our dying bodies. So we live in the face of death, but this has resulted in eternal life for you. But we continue to preach because we have the same kind of faith the psalmist had when he said, "I believe in God, so I spoke." We know that God, who raised the Lord Jesus, will also raise us with Jesus and present us to himself together with you. All of this is for your benefit. And as God's grace reaches more and more people, there will be great thanksgiving, and God will receive more and more glory. That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever."
Ok, so I can't comprehend nor see the outcome of everything. However, I know God does love. He loves more than we could ever imagine. If trials lead to someone else experiencing God's love, than it is all worth it.
Shout out to Lisie for showing me this song. It's like Jesus' love song. It's my jam yo.
"We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves."
2 Corinthians 4:7
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| Grandpa and I - "you were probably catching the wind with your tongue" - mom |
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| Lisie arrived a few minutes ago to chill with me at the library! |
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| Sarah and rocks - the best. |
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| I'm learning to be a woman...fettucini alfredo |
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| pasta |
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| And now..Back to what I came here for...it's been real. I HATE DECISIONS |
Psalm 73:26
My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.
Friday, June 28, 2013
Be Still
His grace is sufficient for me, for His power is made perfect in weakness. To Him a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years like a day. The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want....Be still and know that I am God...
Be Still and Know that I am God - Psalm 46:10
I fear being still because in the stillness, I might feel so alone. Instead - in the silence and stillness I am reminded of God's love for us, and just how BIG He is. I am reminded how short this life is, and the importance of making every moment count. I am reminded that God is in control of everything and how much I need God's grace. He renews my hope for the present and future, and reminds me that I am never alone.
Something beautiful happens in the stillness. To be outside, and to see the intricacies of everything that God has made, and to understand but not really understand the bigger picture and to reflect on all the crazy ways that God works. To have the ability to give thanks in the midst of good times and bad, and to be surrounded by God's love. It begs the question, why am I not still more often?
As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts (says the Lord) - Isaiah 55:9
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Music to my ears
Today a couple of songs have been on my heart and mind...on replay...and generally the songs that I really really like, I really really like because they express deep feelings or what I am going through. Isn't that generally how it works anyways?
The first one - Oh my God - by Jars of Clay
I get excited when I listen to this, because it has so many memories attached. A favorite since childhood, it talks about the injustices that are going on in our world and questions all of it. There is so much injustice going on and it just isn't cool. It's painful to think of all the pain that people go through in this life. Listening to this song reminds me why in the world I am so gosh dern passionate about spreading God's love. And I get excited.
The second song - JJ Heller - Who you are
"sometimes I don't know what you're doing, but I know who you are." Ain't that the truth! I really don't know what God is doing - but I sure know how he loves us. God's in control.
The third song - Mercy Mercy - Hillsong United
Woke up wanting to hear this song. Started off the day right. Mercy Mercy bring me to my knees.
Arrest my heart
From its reckless path
Release the chains in me
Awake my soul
To the hope You hold
Your grace is all I need
And some photos...
The first one - Oh my God - by Jars of Clay
I get excited when I listen to this, because it has so many memories attached. A favorite since childhood, it talks about the injustices that are going on in our world and questions all of it. There is so much injustice going on and it just isn't cool. It's painful to think of all the pain that people go through in this life. Listening to this song reminds me why in the world I am so gosh dern passionate about spreading God's love. And I get excited.
The second song - JJ Heller - Who you are
"sometimes I don't know what you're doing, but I know who you are." Ain't that the truth! I really don't know what God is doing - but I sure know how he loves us. God's in control.
The third song - Mercy Mercy - Hillsong United
Woke up wanting to hear this song. Started off the day right. Mercy Mercy bring me to my knees.
Arrest my heart
From its reckless path
Release the chains in me
Awake my soul
To the hope You hold
Your grace is all I need
And some photos...
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| campfire and community |
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| Rediculous amount of papers to make the decision. |
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| Lisie is training for a marathon!!!! |
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| Willow Creek Fathers day service - Fathers playing guitars |
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| Hillsong United Concert |
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| Royal Family Kids Camp - week long camp for foster kids |
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| And this is me after - sick and exhausted. I'm almost at 100 percent now! Melissa came from Kansas for the weekend and was able to comfort me with her interesting stories...;) |
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Unfiltered thoughts - THE LOOMING DECISION - fear everywhere
oh man - if only you could see me now - if you could see this girl..right here - right now.
My head has been spinning for days - at various parts of the days - and my sleep pattern has been disrupted. This is what we call - making a big decision. It's not worry this time, it is just...I have NO clue.
Oh my goodness. Decisions Decisions Decisions. I like to be wishy washy, and I like to be relaxed and say everything happens for a reason, and it will all work out. I do not like to have to make a blatant decision, and i definitely don't like being confused about it. I don't like the questions swirling around my head, and I don't like the anti-peace...mmmm..lets call it war going on in my head. I do not like it one bit. Times like these I wish there was a blinking sign...a toss of a die...something so easy to just say - There, that's it, that's the next step. Then i would smile and faithfully take that step. But when you don't know that next step, and you feel like you're supposed to know that next step - it can get really frustrating. It isn't even worry. It is just - I do not have any type of peace about either decision, and it really disturbs me - let call it ....lets call it..
ok darn't it's fear, and its not real faith. It is scary, and it is all unknown. It is the realization that this decision must be made by myself and must be made in faith that it is right. It is the realization of the weight of such a decision and honestly I wish I could just sleep this thing off and wake up and know.
This fear is real, and looming, and it's sickening. This fear has been robbing me of my sleep. What am I scared of? I'm scared of making the wrong decision and I am scared of the commitment, of the debt, of the difficulties that I know will take place, and of the uncertainties. I want to go with the comfortable, but the comfortable doesn't give me peace. So when I think of the uncomfortable it doesn't give me peace either, but that's just because it is scary.
It is one thing to know the next best step, and it is another thing to do it. I'm going to do it. But my head is throbbing, my gut is all nervy, and the questions are beginning to build. Where is the peace that people talk about? Will it come eventually? Will I not discover it for a few months? Most importantly, where is the faith that I thought that I had?
So this entry is unadulterated thoughts, and quite honestly...can be quite embarrassing. Because I thought I understood, and I can verbally recite to you the right thing to say to others in this situation. But then when it comes down to...the time....when it's all or nothing - that is when the real testing begins. So...
The time is now.
And there is no turning back. I met with someone this week who told me...NOW is God's will for your life...you're living in your purpose NOW..it's NOW. Sure you might be preparing for some other time.. but ultimately, where you are now, is where God has you, and is using you. I agree, but unfortunately this decision that has to be made about the future is also NOW, and I can no longer ignore it or wish it solved by something like rock, paper, scissors. It's in my face, because I have to decide where to go to graduate school...today.
So i'm freaking out while staring at this blank form right now, it's so funny looking to me, and all so surreal because I know that years down the line, this evening will be so prominent in my mind.. I know the weight of this past week, all the conversations I had, and the things I saw, I have confidence it all played out this way for a reason. I have confidence that my friend that randomly signed online and chatted with me as I was typing this...was a reminder...
Because even as all these thoughts were swirling, and as my fingers were typing up a rage of fears, to my own personal shame - my friend was typing to me the faithfulness of God, and his control over everything, and my identity as a daughter, and the promises of who I am to him - and Romans 8:38 - that nothing can separate us from God's love. And as I went back in forth, from these unfiltered thoughts on this thing called a blog, to the conversation with my friend that was unfolding - validating my fears but also underlying the need to fully trust - that swirling headache I've had, and that unnerving feeling slowly began to dissipate.
Everything will be alright, God is in control.
So what you have just read my friend, if you have made it this far into the post - is a battle I have been facing this past week, about making the right decision, and you have just read the breakdown...of how the final decision was made after much time and reflection. I stayed up late, with a swirling headache full of fears, and someone reminded me of God's love and then...I just knew. And I always hated that phrase. What does that mean when someone says they just know? So lame. Well. In this particular situation, it didn't just happen, it's the result of much prayer, thought, scripture, conversations, reflection, research, and searching - only to find that the peace comes in letting go.
So tonight, this much I know. God is with me wherever I go, whatever I decide, and that I am just a little vessel...a crazy little vessel..and it's time to let go and move forward - one step at a time.
So - perhaps its the late hour...perhaps I need sleep, but I think I know the decision to be made, so I ask that you pray because tomorrow is a big day.
Bam. Goodnight. Finally.
disclaimer: this was legit unfiltered thoughts, so if this confuses you - do not worry - because that's life and in hindsight, it all makes sense...right? At least that's what people tell me.. ;)
My head has been spinning for days - at various parts of the days - and my sleep pattern has been disrupted. This is what we call - making a big decision. It's not worry this time, it is just...I have NO clue.
Oh my goodness. Decisions Decisions Decisions. I like to be wishy washy, and I like to be relaxed and say everything happens for a reason, and it will all work out. I do not like to have to make a blatant decision, and i definitely don't like being confused about it. I don't like the questions swirling around my head, and I don't like the anti-peace...mmmm..lets call it war going on in my head. I do not like it one bit. Times like these I wish there was a blinking sign...a toss of a die...something so easy to just say - There, that's it, that's the next step. Then i would smile and faithfully take that step. But when you don't know that next step, and you feel like you're supposed to know that next step - it can get really frustrating. It isn't even worry. It is just - I do not have any type of peace about either decision, and it really disturbs me - let call it ....lets call it..
ok darn't it's fear, and its not real faith. It is scary, and it is all unknown. It is the realization that this decision must be made by myself and must be made in faith that it is right. It is the realization of the weight of such a decision and honestly I wish I could just sleep this thing off and wake up and know.
This fear is real, and looming, and it's sickening. This fear has been robbing me of my sleep. What am I scared of? I'm scared of making the wrong decision and I am scared of the commitment, of the debt, of the difficulties that I know will take place, and of the uncertainties. I want to go with the comfortable, but the comfortable doesn't give me peace. So when I think of the uncomfortable it doesn't give me peace either, but that's just because it is scary.
It is one thing to know the next best step, and it is another thing to do it. I'm going to do it. But my head is throbbing, my gut is all nervy, and the questions are beginning to build. Where is the peace that people talk about? Will it come eventually? Will I not discover it for a few months? Most importantly, where is the faith that I thought that I had?
So this entry is unadulterated thoughts, and quite honestly...can be quite embarrassing. Because I thought I understood, and I can verbally recite to you the right thing to say to others in this situation. But then when it comes down to...the time....when it's all or nothing - that is when the real testing begins. So...
The time is now.
And there is no turning back. I met with someone this week who told me...NOW is God's will for your life...you're living in your purpose NOW..it's NOW. Sure you might be preparing for some other time.. but ultimately, where you are now, is where God has you, and is using you. I agree, but unfortunately this decision that has to be made about the future is also NOW, and I can no longer ignore it or wish it solved by something like rock, paper, scissors. It's in my face, because I have to decide where to go to graduate school...today.
So i'm freaking out while staring at this blank form right now, it's so funny looking to me, and all so surreal because I know that years down the line, this evening will be so prominent in my mind.. I know the weight of this past week, all the conversations I had, and the things I saw, I have confidence it all played out this way for a reason. I have confidence that my friend that randomly signed online and chatted with me as I was typing this...was a reminder...
Because even as all these thoughts were swirling, and as my fingers were typing up a rage of fears, to my own personal shame - my friend was typing to me the faithfulness of God, and his control over everything, and my identity as a daughter, and the promises of who I am to him - and Romans 8:38 - that nothing can separate us from God's love. And as I went back in forth, from these unfiltered thoughts on this thing called a blog, to the conversation with my friend that was unfolding - validating my fears but also underlying the need to fully trust - that swirling headache I've had, and that unnerving feeling slowly began to dissipate.
Everything will be alright, God is in control.
So what you have just read my friend, if you have made it this far into the post - is a battle I have been facing this past week, about making the right decision, and you have just read the breakdown...of how the final decision was made after much time and reflection. I stayed up late, with a swirling headache full of fears, and someone reminded me of God's love and then...I just knew. And I always hated that phrase. What does that mean when someone says they just know? So lame. Well. In this particular situation, it didn't just happen, it's the result of much prayer, thought, scripture, conversations, reflection, research, and searching - only to find that the peace comes in letting go.
So tonight, this much I know. God is with me wherever I go, whatever I decide, and that I am just a little vessel...a crazy little vessel..and it's time to let go and move forward - one step at a time.
So - perhaps its the late hour...perhaps I need sleep, but I think I know the decision to be made, so I ask that you pray because tomorrow is a big day.
Bam. Goodnight. Finally.
disclaimer: this was legit unfiltered thoughts, so if this confuses you - do not worry - because that's life and in hindsight, it all makes sense...right? At least that's what people tell me.. ;)
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