Passions and dreams and hope in things unseen

It's getting late and I am getting tired - but, if I don't write this now - these memories won't be recorded or shared and so - a late night post from Turkey.  Here we go!

A few days ago I was hanging out with some friends as we all went around and shared our passions.  I watched as each person shared - the words speaking life into their eyes and their body posture becoming more assured as they spoke about the unique way that God created them to be.  I love asking people about their passions because it is a tangible way to see hope.  These passions, they drive us - they sustain us and move us forward into the difficult places.  In Hebrews 11:1 it says "now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."  Isn't it crazy when we ponder how the passions that we have oftentimes breed dreams.  The type of dreams that build hope as we seek to see what we do not see come to life.  What are you passionate about?  Where do you place your hope?

Hope is a necessary thing for people living in the margins - people that for various reasons do not have access to all of life necessities or are caught in unrelenting situations that seem impossible.  There past few weeks I get to hear where some refugees place their hope - it's in the new place, the new home, plans to dangerously cross country border by boat or on foot - in a future where their kids can receive education and healthcare.  Yet, what happens when this hope is realized and they begin to see that it is not all that we need?  While very important and necessary, they do not end all pain, suffering and loss - there must be hope in something more - a living hope.  I know this hope is needed because, I have seen life without it while living in a suburb, and have visited places where the wealthy can have nearly everything, yet it is never enough.  These past few weeks I have been learning more about the importance of sharing the living hope of God while actively loving others with time, resources, and open space.  I am learning more about a God that follows through with His word and really does love the brokenhearted in their midst.  A God that brings dreams and people to their knees (ask me about that when I see you again) and especially, almost always, joy in the little things.

This afternoon  I was glitterfied.  (I made up that word, in case you're wondering)  I spent some time with kids and we used glitter and glue to make art.  One thing I like about adulthood is that no one can tell you "no! it is too messy," because YOU"RE in charge.  So what is the first thing I went for in the cabinet?  Especially when their little eyes lit up with mine...THE GLITTER.  I suppose in hindsight I understand why some "adults" would prefer to keep the glitter tucked away; kids really do find genius ways to use the glitter and in their creativity can spread the sparkle to anywhere the eye can see.  My feet were covered in glitter, as were their faces and legs and arms.  So - attempting to avoid more mess - we put the glitter away and got out the paint.  To be fair, I didn't take the paint out, they took it out and I chose to look the other way. ;)  When they started painting mustache's on their faces, there wasn't much I could say (literally because I don't speak their language).  I let them continue in their escapades and would lift the little ones up to the mirror so they could see their silly faces - they smiled, laughed and giggled as they would puff out their chests and pretend to be grown up.  Messy?  oh yes.  Worth it? oh yes.  The joy these activities bring is refreshing.

To give a little perspective on refugee children in Turkey, these kids are stuck inside most days all day.  They don't have school, and they don't have healthcare.  Today I noticed the sweet little 9 year old smiling, and twirling like a princess with teeth that were white and grey at the bottom - dirty no less from no dentist check ups for quite some time.  This little princess is 1 of 7 kids.  Like many children refugees, the oldest three girls in their family work in factories already at the ages of 13,14, and 15 - because they have to - because of rent.  It's just the way things are for now.  I am learning Arabic from their mother, she is very patient with me as I quickly forget the most recent phrases we already repeated 10 times.  Today the kids quizzed me and I got a 50%.

To date, many new memories and stories fill my mind from the time thus far in Turkey.  I would be lying if I said it has all been wonderful.  It can be difficult at times to see the realities of this world and I also have had deep sadness wash over me from leaving the place I loved in California.  Uncertainty can be my best friend and worst enemy as I begin to ponder where my new community will be and what next steps I will take.  I miss the friends from Chicago and California that would sing the crazy tunes of life with me - and even now I wish these new friends could come with me in my suitcase. Yet - gratitude fills my heart.  I continue to learn more about what it means to be fully present and available to God's work in the world by beginning right where you are.  I will end this entry with a quote from an email I received this evening about discernment.

"What I learned from testing a call in Latin America is that my broader vocation is simply to enjoy God’s presence, do God’s will, and be grateful wherever I am. The question of where to live and what to do is really insignificant compared to the question of how to keep the eyes of my heart focused on the Lord. I can be teaching at Yale, working in the bakery at the Genesee Abbey, walking with poor children in Peru, or writing a book, and still feel totally useless. Or I can do these same things and know that I am fulfilling my call. There is no such thing as the right place or the right job. I can be miserable or joyful, restless or at peace, in all situations. It is a simple truth that came to me in a time when I had to decide about my future. Living in Lima or not for five, ten, or twenty years was no great decision. Turning to the Lord fully, unconditionally, and without fear is. He reminds me that I have no lasting dwelling on this earth, that I am a traveler on the way to a sacred place where God holds me in the palm of his hand. This deeper awareness sets me free to be a pilgrim, to pray without ceasing, and to be grateful." - Henri Nouwen

Amen to that.  From what I am seeing here - there is no better way, no bigger adventure, then living life with a God who loves the world times a trillion million billion stars shining bright at night.  May God grant us the wisdom to fathom it.

(P.s. it's late - so I am going to sleep - but I have pictures to share - so the next one will be photos)

The Discernment Journey: Turkey and India

I've now been in Turkey for over three weeks.

Just to clarify in case I haven't written this before and it hasn't been affirmed by all of the wise people in the world - time flies.  So you better make good use of it.

Over the next 2 months I will be here in Turkey completing my studies while learning about work with refugees.  After the time here, I will continue on to India and spend 3 months traveling to different cities and visiting people while learning about the good work that is done there.  So hold on tightly, this is going to be quite the journey.  Even before coming here, the thought would pass my mind, "Alison, why are you doing this?"  Time will tell.  Over the last two years I have been learning more about the Syrian refugee crisis - the biggest humanitarian crisis in our day.  To date there are currently over 4 million registered Syrian refugees and over 1,800,000 are in Turkey.  There are also refugees that come from Iraq and Iran as a result of war or persecution.  Over the last few weeks I have had the opportunity to meet individuals and families affected by these things.  Because I am in a season of discernment, I am curious about the many ways that God is working around the globe and so we shall see how these journies come together towards next steps after graduate school.

June 14, 2015 

 This past June we  "graduated" but I don't officially gain a masters degree until the end of September once my time in Turkey is done.  
Since the last post I have successfully finished my finals (something I wasn't sure could be accomplished), said goodbye to an AMAZING community of friends in California, and moved all my things back to the Chicago area before stepping on the plane to Istanbul, Turkey.  a LONG flight.

It took me a while to even realize what I was doing, I honestly don't think I even realized that I would be gone for the next six months until I was flying a couple thousand feet above the ground.

Ok - enough rambling.  The interesting stuff.  What is it like here?

Crossing the bosphorus on my first day here

It is really pretty.  There is a bosphorus in the middle of the city which separates the European continent from the Asian continent.  Everyday I am quite literally crossing the continents on a ferry.  The culture is a mix of western and Muslim culture (the call to prayer is going off right now at a nearby mosque - goes off 5 times a day).  Walking around the city I see woman that are fully covered with only their eyes showing, or covered with a scarf covering their hair or, just like me, walking around more modestly yet uncovered, and then there are girls wearing the summer stuff you'll see in the States, shorts, tank tops, summer dresses.  Generally, I am advised not to look at strangers that are men in the eyes as Turkish girls do not do this. I follow the advice.. most of the time, Don't worry mom, I"m safe!  (I"m just kidding though, I don't look at men, making sure you're paying attention)

People love "selfies" here.  I once spent over an hour watching people take selfies at a fountain.  It was fantastic.  The men have certain poses they like to do including a hand on the hip or one leg propped up.  I also had some woman try and do small talk with me, only to realize, I don't speak Turkish.

So -I have been told that I could be Turkish, or Iranian, or Syrian, or Kurdish, or....ya know, I just blend in.  So it has been quite interesting to encounter people speaking to me in another language and I can't understand a thing they're saying, to their surprise, I say "I don't speak Turkish," (in turkish), shrug my shoulders and smile.  Wish I could communicate more.

There is so much more I could write about - for this reason - I will be updating more.

The people I meet are so kind, and the refugees I meet all have unique stories and it is quite amazing to have this privilege to meet them, even if only for a short time.  Just tonight we said goodbye to a guy from Iraq who is from the city of the Old Testament Ninevah - he had to flee his town with his parents because of the war.  He is only 19 years old and in three days, after living here for a little over a year, they will now move to another country for asylum because that is where they are being placed as refugees.  As I showed fascination in his hometown, he continued to tell me about the history of his city and the ways that some people there still remembered Jonah to this day with a special three day fast.

Before this becomes too long.  Here are some photos.  More to come soon, it's getting late and I'm waking up early to run.

Said goodbye to a lot of really good friends - that was rough

This is Claudia - I miss her but am so glad we can keep in touch!

Trying on our gowns before graduation - some amazing people

This is Michelle - She's a wonderful women that I plan to stay in touch with - like many friends that I've made over the past two years.  So grateful.

Ran a race with Lisie 4 days before I left...still running here.  By God's grace, I will stay in shape!!

Grandpa and I.  Lovely breakfast out with the grandparents and Aunt Heidi the day before I left.

This is a cistern in Istanbul that dates back to the Roman Empire.  Water was stored here.

Went on a walk/hike with some people, beautiful trail

A mosque at night

Another Mosque at night.  So many mosques here.  During the call to prayer you can hear quite a few going off

Almost Time to Say Goodbye

It's nearly 1:30 am on a Tuesday night of my last finals week in graduate school.  I should not be writing on here, but I figure there may be no better time to write then when I am in the thick of such an intense week, possibly one of the more stressful weeks I have lived thus far.  Maybe I am being dramatic, maybe I'm not, but over the last week the reality has hit once more.

I am in that phase of transition.  Once Again.  It almost never ends, it seems.  I have once more, found an amazing community of people, and once more, will have to turn around and say goodbye. We will keep in touch, we will remain friends from afar, but it will be different and life will move on and take us in different directions.  You would think it gets easier with time, but I'm learning that instead it just gets harder.

I have learned to love the people here.  Their life and passions and faith has challenged, stretched, and encouraged me.  How do I move on from this?

Presently two of my friends are sitting in our small kitchen, giggling while they study while my other roommate lays in her bed behind me while attempting to read a few more pages before she sleeps.  Moments like these, won't come around too often anymore.  Moments like these, will be a faded memory and something that I will cherish.

These past two years in California have been more than I could have ever asked or dreamed of.  It's the stuff of movie and novels, it's life.  I don't mean that it has all been like a fairy tale - quite the contrary.  To put it candidly, I've had moments where my heart felt like it was ripped out and torn to pieces and have had moments where the tears that I cried weren't enough to sear the pain of confusion, loss, or uncertainty.  Yet all of those moments, when I reflect, are covered with God's grace through community.  For the first time, in a long time, I have constantly had friends and family there to listen, encourage, and hold me in the broken moments; they have reminded me that I am not alone in this journey.

In my heart I hold precious memories of a friend letting me cry on her shoulder in the middle of the road as I felt the pain of someone I once loved walk away.  There was that time three of my friends brought over food and ate it with me as I mourned the death of a friend.  There was another moment, when a friend went sprinting with me at 1 am because I was too frustrated to articulate the anger that had taken control of me that night.  Friends have listened patiently as I struggle through big questions of faith and others have shared their lives with me and entrusted me with vulnerable moments in their own lives that have shaped and molded them into who they are today.  I've been blessed by one friend who sat across from me on the dirt ground and recounted God's faithfulness in His life bit by bit so that my faith would be made stronger...I could go on with memories that have been etched in my heart but I my left leg fell asleep just now and brought me back to reality.  Also, my roommate just started whistling the tune from the hunger games and so we started talking about other things....

To abruptly conclude this reflective entry....I am going to miss the friends and community here.  Yet that is the beauty of it - often time we need these moments of letting go to understand the significance of another's presence in our life.

Photos:

Unexpected FREE trip to disneyland!!!  IT WAS AN AMAZING TIME

My two roommates in their cultural dress, I was sick in bed taking the photo....

Next stop.....coming soon....

Intramural Soccer Team - wonderful memories

We taped encouraging verses to candy and distributed them to stressed students in the library - amazing volunteers and workers here.

One of the three graduation banquets I am attending with Sharon - fellow graduate and good friend

photo from a group prayer with fuller students and faculty 

This poster....has been an interesting conversation piece - here my friends celebrate graduation with me!  4 DAYS!!!!

Not All Those Who Wander Are Lost

There has been this recurring theme in my life called uncertainty.
It can get pretty annoying, and most days I just wish that I already knew what in the world I would be doing.  It feels like I've been blindfolded, turned around a few times, and been given a pat on the back to nudge me forward.

I"m currently sitting in a coffee shop in the mountains of Big Bear, California.  We came here for a retreat and have been spending time away from our studies to talk and pray with one another.  Earlier today I secluded myself from everyone with my little journal that says "Not all those who wander are lost" on the cover.

I found a tree, sat down underneath and began to write,  "Dear God, I don't even know where to begin."  Long pause.  Long, long, Pause.  Because, I really don't know where to begin, I often don't know where to begin.  "In fact," I began to think, "I am lost."  It says all who wander are not lost but, I think i'm lost right now.  The irony.  That's probably why the quote is so famous - because in all of this wandering we often feel so lost.  Feelings matter, but thank goodness they change.  So I wrote down a few sentences expressing this feeling of uncertainty that comes and goes and shut the journal, I didn't feel like writing anymore - I wanted to lay down under the trees like I did when I was a kid.

Now any member of my family will tell you that this was a favorite pass-time of mine growing up.  Erika, used to try and distract me sometimes as I would lie down and watch the leaves or snow fall.  They often thought it was weird that I would space out for so long.  Probably.  But I loved it.  I would focus in on the smallest things and then let my mind wander.  My mind would weave in and out and at some point I would make myself get up and let go of the moment.  Life moves on.

Sometimes I would want those peaceful and carefree moments to last much longer.  Sometimes I would stretch those moments out until the mosquitos started to bite or sun started to set and I got cold.  Something always ruined it and knowing this, I would always make sure to enjoy it while it lasted.

So today laying there underneath the tree, I was reminded of different thoughts that would pass through my mind as a kid - and you know what - those seemingly random thoughts I had as a kid kind of led to something.  They kind of shaped who I am and have led me to pursue these studies on poverty and development.  Looking up at the passing seasons shaped my worldview and also gave me this sense of urgency to live life well and enjoy the moments before they're gone.

This is good news because I've recently spent too much time frustrated at my deep-seated passions and idealistic personality that wants to see justice roll down like a river.  It is so easy to get discouraged by the overwhelming injustice, poverty, illnesses, evil, lack of...(name it), and the list goes on and on...and on...and on...  The question for me has been, Why so much suffering?  and Why do I care?  Can't I just ignore it and live a normal life?  After 27 years, it's becoming clear that I was made this way for a reason, and that it's ok to care, in fact it is good to care because God cares.  Since God cares, He can't just ignore it.  In fact, God isn't just ignoring it - He is working through people across the globe to restore lives and communities.  It looks different among different people and different contexts - but the message is the same.  God loves.  A lot.  And in that love, God is super active everywhere.

There is a time for everything, and a season for everything under heaven.  It's time for me to move forward in planning next steps, regardless of the feelings of uncertainty.  Martin Luther King Jr. once said, "faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase."  What is your next best step?  Mine is to email some people about visiting their work abroad to actually see what holistic development work looks like - I've been reading about it, and now it's time to see.

Alison

Looking up today

All that is gold does not glitter

"All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king"

J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

Enjoying the present

I've been thinking about updating this blog for quite some time.  But every time I had a free moment, my mind was too tired to write.  Even my journals have been a bit short.  The last entry I wrote ended with zzzzzzz - and I feel asleep with it beside me.

Needless to say.  Life has been good, but I have never been stretched so thin and at the beginning of our spring break (official today) I find myself exhausted.  So today I layed in bed and tried to still my mind.  I could feel my heart beating erratically as my mind began to spin, I've got this break, and then what's next?

I have one more quarter, just ten short weeks, left here at the Pasadena Campus, I can scarcely believe it.  And so these next few weeks will have to be lived with intention.  Intention and attention.

It's in these seasons of discernment that all my senses must really be tuned to what God is doing and how He is moving.  Attention must be payed to the details that I really dislike, like planning ahead, and intentional steps much be taken to spend more time with people that I will soon be missing. With roughly four months left in this place, the present days are filled with precious moments to treasure and friends to embrace.  Is this the life I am called to?  A life of constant change?

So laying in bed today I made a choice.  The choice I made is to enjoy it all.  To enjoy this season of uncertainty and to enter it with excitement.  Although, to be honest, it's not always easy to enjoy. Often times, this decision has to be made more than once because feeling like you're blindfolded for an extended period of time is not always the most fun.  However, not knowing the next step is part of the mystery of God that draws us closer to knowing Him through the most loving, caring, and compassionate relationship that we could experience.  That's something to enjoy!

 So this metaphor usually brings some comfort.   I'm like a little thread in a big tapestry.  I can't quite see what's being woven, but I can rest in the hope that it's something great, the ups and downs, ins and outs, are all done with purposeful precision to be part of God's masterpiece!  In this I rest.

So that is a quick update on the status of the inner dialogue that is beginning this week - uncertain joy and renewal through rest!  I am excited to take time to relax!

I like this song.

One Suitcase

Tonight I"m listening to some music on my little phone, and have my lap top set up so that while I am laying in bed I can type.  It's a form of laziness.

What to write.  

I'll tell a short story about saying goodbye to a good friend of mine.  He left last Monday to attend a training; and will officially leave the States in a few days to work in Cambodia.  He will be there for 5 months and has no plans of a return here since he is from India.  He left last Monday with one suitcase, all of his other belongings were given away aside from one little bag that he asked his friend to hold onto.

The problem at the airport that day was that his suitcase weighed too much.  It weighed nearly 78 pounds, or 76, I don't remember the exact number, but it was TOO much, the limit is 50.  What was crazy was that minutes before his baggage was weighed at the airport, his friend had determined that the suitcase would be too heavy, so we popped the trunk of the car and watched as he tossed clothes into the trunk. 

Determined to avoid the 100 dollar fine, we all went to a window in the airport and watched our friend toss more clothes and books.  Hoping it would be enough, we returned to the baggage check area, only to find it was still over the limit.  So we returned to the window, and this time he began to toss things with which he seemed a bit more attached, nice quality shirts and 2 pairs of shoes and a towel.  Maybe this would be enough....

But it wasn't.  We were directed away a third time, and back at that window, my friend stood over the bag, pondering what he could do without.  Standing over him, one of his best friends and mentors said, with hand on hip, "brother, this is what it costs to serve the Lord, it costs you everything."  I laughed and he chuckled, nodding his head half in agreement and putting his hands up a little in bewilderment.  This time he tossed his only suit, last remaining towel, and some good cologne.  There, that was enough.  At 52 pounds the bag was about to be rejected a fourth time, when my friend said to the baggage authority, "please, this is all I have and I am going to Cambodia."  She begrudgingly said ok and we all made a sigh of relief.  In excitement, his friend tried to sneakily unzip the bag and throw the cologne back in.  "No!  No more! What is that!?" exclaimed the baggage check woman, "let me see it." she demanded.  She grabbed the cologne, glared at it, and then opened the bag herself and zipped it in.  Needless to say we all felt accomplished after that!  At least now our friend could smell nice.

I tell this story because it truly touched my heart to see this friend leave so much behind to follow his call to serve God.  It was such a strong reminder of the sacrifices that must be made.  This friend of mine was not an American friend, who has everything stored up nicely in a home for when he returns - he isn't sure where he's going next - and so all of his belongings had to fit in that bag.  He had to let go of many things in order to move forward.  It was a powerful thing to witness.

This month I'm asking, what can I live without?  I may not follow the same footsteps of my friend, but I do plan to follow God wherever he may lead after graduation.  I can only hope to have the same amount of grace and willingness that my friend did when the time comes to step further into a life of service by letting go of whatever is required.

Luke 9:62 - No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.

Music: May you find a light - The Brilliance

Kevin

This week has been really difficult.  Strange and bittersweet.  The day immediately following the last blog post, my good friend Kevin passed away at some point in the night.  I wrote about him briefly in an earlier blog post, he was the friend of mine who I asked "why are you in a wheelchair?" (post from July).  I miss him greatly and wish there was more time to hang out.  Tons of questions were raised in my mind and some anger at some point.  The community here has been amazing...that is something positive.

I wanted to take a quick moment to share his blog posts for you to read.  They give a glimpse into his heart and chronicle some of his struggles.  It has been one of the biggest blessings to call him friend and to have meals and conversations together over this past year.  I would encourage you to take time out to read the four posts he did over the past two years.  Here is the link:

Living With Amy - Kevin


Today I am working on school work, have fallen a bit behind.  I will be traveling home for Christmas and am excited to see how Aubrey has grown!  Yesterday we went to a retreat for church,  was so good to be away from Fuller for a day and to reflect on all that is happening.  It strengthened my faith and re-focused my mind on all that must be done before Christmas this year.  Sometimes we need that time away to re-charge.

Here is a song that was blasting in my bedroom this morning, felt like a good singer when I couldn't hear my voice singing along.