Does your heart break?

I can not sleep.  I've been trying to sleep for the past two hours.  My body is exhausted, my brain is exhausted and I feel so drained - it  is most likely anxiety that keeps me awake.  It's the inability to process what in the world is going on in life.  So for the sake of processing, we now have an unedited, stream of consciousness blog post - enjoy!

You see - right before going to bed I decided to take out some time and journal; something I have not done for the last few weeks because these past few weeks have been full.  Seriously full.

But it's when I take out that pen and paper and allow my thoughts to flow that the realization of all that is happening in my life and around the world truly hits - and it hits hard.

You see - the life that I am leading, is full of conversations, and classes, and some pretty monumental world events.  For example, while trying to raise funds from alumni over the phone, I was reading news on CNN about the ISIS fighters in Iraq and the United States bombings.  Syria....I read that the Iraqi people are fleeing to Syria of all places!  Oh lord have mercy...Syria is a whole other mess that I have now written over 30 pages of research on this past year.  Oh Lord have mercy.  And that's just Iraq!  Not to mention, but to mention, Ukraine, Russia, and the Ebola outbreak, Congo, and the list goes on for days.

Then lets talk about my personal life for a second.  Lets get personal in the blogger world.  My personal life is full of vibrant relationships and I am so grateful for them.  And I am learning more about others and myself in the process - apparently I care a lot about people and so it hurts to see them hurt.  It is just terrible to see a friend go through something ....why does caring hurt?  All I can do is be present - which I love to do, but takes time.  So I choose relationships over school work.  Except now this creates a problem - my school work is piling up - papers that require an intensive reading schedule and extensive research complete with big existential life questions like how the Church should be involved in Social Justice.

So in this short amount of journal time I've asked, is there a reason to the rhyme?  Why must I care?  Why am I awake when I am exhausted and thinking about all of this stuff, why is my heart breaking for all of this stuff when I can't do anything about it?  Why did I have to say goodbye to a good friend (who I miss dearly)over this sort of caring?  If it sounds like I have a lot of questions that can't be answered, that's because I do have a lot of questions that can not be answered.

It's a terrible paradox.

Because until I give myself time to start journaling the f word (feelings) and writing out these thoughts and questions, I am perfectly happy go lucky.  And I love being happy go lucky.  And I"ll continue to be happy go lucky, running in the ocean, dancing to music, running around town, and causing all types of cahoots - but how do the two go together?  What am I to do with all of these questions and all of this heart breaking?

I"m pretty sure I am not alone in this.  And I think a lot of us bury these feelings, but what if we are supposed to actually do something with this?  Actually take a step towards raising havoc against these wrongs...somehow - in a small way.  I think that's why I came to study here.

Did I mention that I am tired?

So the positive ending to all of this is a verse that I received from Bonnie, a good friend of my mothers, a few months back and a reminder from Jean Vanier that the present, small, acts of love and obedience are what matters and makes a difference.  It is important to continue to ask these BIG questions but is equally or perhaps even more important to live out a BIG life of love in the here and now.  I would hypothesize that it is through these seemingly small acts of love that these big existential questions are answered.  Hopefully I'll live long enough to tell the tale.  Whatever that means.
Cue Music:




Isaiah 40:28-31

Do you not know?  Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary, and young men stumble and fall; 
but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
They will run and not grow weary,
They will walk and not be faint.

"We are not called by God to do extraordinary things, but to do ordinary things with extraordinary love." - Jean Vanier

Thankful for good friends

Dancing in the wind

Mwera 

spontaneous road trip with friends before the crazy busy life began.

Just Because...!

Bittersweet - God is good

Late at night.  My head hurts.  Don't complain Alison....

I've spent the last 5 minutes contemplating who I should bother to ask for free coffee from their coffee maker, I have a presentation early tomorrow morning, and I need to prepare...more....

Received a text yesterday reminding me to update the blog, so here is the update.

I've started this sentence quite a few times, debating whether or not to be positive, negative, or neutral in this entry.  The truth is, much of my life is bittersweet at this point in time.  I am extremely grateful for all that I am learning, and for the new friends, and beautiful and fun experiences, like "borrowing" some kids scooters that were laying around last night and riding them to a bar to do our homework.  People all around having good times, meanwhile my friend and I sat typing away on our laptops, squinting like old woman with glasses on our face with the scooters stowed underneath (We returned the scooters).

Yes...bittersweet. Life is bittersweet.  Underneath this smile and spontaneity and hard work - the non-stop me...is a world of hurt.  I'm currently frustrated with life, and the ups and downs, and the uncertainties, the sheer injustice, the goodbyes, and the pain that people live in.  I understand that God is good and that all will work out well, but it doesn't negate the pain that we sometimes feel.  The other day, my friend was listening to me talk about my current life struggles - very compassionate and patient.  Afterwards, I asked him to share some of his story. "Why are you in a wheelchair?" I asked.  I was not prepared for his answer.  He struggles with a disease that attacks everything but the brain - so his body has degenerated much over time, and now decisions must be made regarding his health and life.  Not much can be done.  He was fine until 30.  So there I sat be miffed.  Even now, I'm not quite sure what to comment on this.  He had shown me such deep compassion as I expressed some of my heart struggles while there he sat with a much bigger struggle that affects every aspect of his life.  I asked him how he maintains his faith through all of this.  He said he takes it day by day.  "Thinking two weeks ahead can make things challenging, and I dare not think about two years from now - just today."  He's my friend, and he cares about me and others, regardless of his trials.  

So that's a glimpse of what life can be like here sometimes.  Right now my friend, Claudia, is fast asleep on the couch. I was only supposed to play one song for our "break" but I couldn't help playing more and more.  Music lifts the spirits and often expresses what is difficult to articulate out loud, at least that's what it does for me.

Lately, few songs give so much more UMPH in the day.  This past week I've been arriving home after class to blast "Glorious Ruins" by Hillsong before continuing on with the day to day things.  Here's a few songs, and some pictures of life here.  Mind you, I would have posted more pictures of studying, but I fear that would be too boring.  Or the professor in the classroom....I have been in class a lot.  Much work left to be done.

Grandpa - I think of you often and hope to connect with you soon.  Thank you for your prayers.

Alison




PHOTOS

I love it here

Newport Beach Sunset

Inside the prayer garden on campus

Studying all the time

Photo taken EARLY in the morning...EARLY

BEACH!  I get to escape every once in a while

Dani...currently in Tanzania for her practicum

Running today - it was refreshing

Scootering the streets last night at 12 AM

Sharon is living with me for a month, she sings to me sometimes

After studying at starbucks for a few hours...still smiling

We figured out that when you blow bubbles into the fan they fly awesomely!

Goodnight from California.

Time to wake up Claudia.

Oh and because it's quite fitting, rest your head on hallelujahs (Charlie Hall) is currently playing on my laptop - how I wish....

Quite alright

Tonight I feel quite alright.

I am currently sitting on my living room floor, with my speakers playing pretty music.  The room is empty.


A few hours ago it was full because tonight we had a birthday celebration for a friend - he has a lot of friends, so they filled the room - each person with an awesome personality and unique story - it was just great.

But now I sit here and I need this quite room to settle me back down and bring my heart back to the basics; because lately time like this, alone and free, are a rare commodity.  I have filled my days with many things; school work, real work, planning, meetings, hang outs, running and sleeping.  Because once upon a time I had too much alone time and it drove me crazy; so I resolved to do something more and to take advantage of that time.  It's a funny thing; because as things get busy - I am often reminded that I can not do all these things alone and that I must not forget to spend time with God lest my heart be restless.  Love must be at the root of it all and that love, that deep unconditional love that makes us shine bright comes from spending time with a God who loves immeasurably.  So nights like these - to bring it back to the basics of God's love and care are essential.

This entry could go in two directions  1. I could get sentimental and go deep into writing about something that really matters 2. I could give an update on life.

I'll go with the update and hope to write again soon regarding other things.

I have gotten a job - I am a "student representative" which means that I call alumni and friends of fuller to raise funds for a student financial aid scholarship.  It is actually fun talking to people and hearing their stories.  Only yesterday was rough when I got hung up on 5 times in a row.

I also have a job for next year as the School of Intercultural Studies Co-President for the All Seminary Council.  This means that next year I will be working with a fellow student and friend to build community and advocate for students in the programs at meetings.  Yesterday I had a training and was told that we will be meeting with some "important people" which requires proper dress (uh oh).  I am really excited about this next year.

Summer plans include full time courses at Fuller and a visit back to Chicagoland.  

My future plans remain a mystery.

But this: I am in His hands.
Until next time....

con Amor,
Alison

Spending time with friends and frozen yogurt = top quality

I CANNOT wait to meet her.  Aubrey, my niece.

Girls on the Run LA.  Spent every Wednesday and Friday with these girls.

As you can see...tons of energy...difficult to manage.

cooking with a friend = awesome

A visit from my parents (really made a difference)

Lisie graduated!!!  and now she has gone back home.  This was the last time I saw her.  My hair reflects mood, sad.

Tonight's festivities

Skyping with Timo from Germany.  It is a huge blessing to keep friendships from afar.

GOODNIGHT!!!

Stay and Wait

I will stay should the world by me fold
Lift up your name as the darkness falls
I will wait and hold fast to your word
Heart on Your heart and my eyes on Yours
- Stay and Wait Hillsong United

 


This song speaks deeply to me.  I can only see the now, and sometimes it can be frustrating.  I can not see the future, nor do I have some gift that gives me vision.  I want to know the reason behind all of this.  I want to better understand how the now impacts the future, and I want to see that all of this is not in vain.  I read, and read, and read, about history and pain and suffering and poverty and development, and it all never ends. The poverty never ends.  Why am I trying so hard to help?  Questions surface as critiques on development work and the good intentions of Christians are scrutinized - God - where are you?

A couple months ago, my grandpa sent me an article on Job.  It talked about lament.  Lament has colored my life.  Why do people suffer so?  It hurts - it hurts to see it, and I haven't even felt an ounce of what others go through.  I need to see, touch, and feel that love is the answer, I need those stories of hope and redemption or else I fear that I might go crazy with hopelessness.

There's another side of me that questions, why can't I just live life unconcerned about these things?  Why must I care too?  But it's there, always, in my face, and I don't know what to do about it.  I've questioned my motives, I've questioned my ability to help and I feel overwhelmed.  I get in the way, and beat myself up, calling myself ignorant and paternalistic.  But that doesn't do any good.  It just hurts.  So as I move forward in studies this week, and am weighed down by thoughts of inadequacy and unworthiness - I am reminded, it's a one step at a time type thing.  It's a constant re-focusing of my attention to these HUGE INJUSTICES to the EVEN LARGER God.  Who knows it all, does it all, and promises justice for all.  ...and there is grace.  Because God knows, I need it.  God uses the weak.  God, works in mysterious ways.  God cares.

I do not have any good concluding thought, only felt the desire to express some of my current frustrations that surface as I am buried in books and conversations in a Christian bubble.  Regardless of the struggle, the only place that I can find any sort of solace or comfort is in holding fast to the promises in the Bible.  I'm thankful for this time and all the discouragement and encouragement that it brings.  Missing family as my older sister just gave birth to Aubrey on April 7th!!  I'm hoping to visit home this summer.

Erika's Baby

Erika is my sister and she is having a baby.

She's been sending me updates through e-mail about the baby's status - yesterday I received one that said that the baby (she) is fully grown.  At any time now, she may come out.  It reminds me of the first time I saw the ultrasound, staring at that cloudy image as my heart began to melt.  What is forming in my sisters belly? 

It is amazing and a crazy reminder that God is always working.  He is forming this little one, and many others across the globe with a love and care beyond our understanding.  God is creating the future generation as he continues to shape and lead the present one.  By this little one I am reminded that God is good.  Because, while there is much darkness in this world (which I have been learning about in classes on poverty and development) and there are many babies across the world that are unhealthy and dying - there still exists this miracle of life and the promise of justice and redemption from a God who loves.

That little baby growing in my sister's stomach is remarkable.  This little one is a gift from God.

This is my way of saying that I am excited that my older sister, Erika, is having a baby. 

Today the third quarter at Fuller has begun.  I am excited about the new classes and conversations that will be held.  Some decisions must be made on my part including where/if/and how I would like to do the practicum this upcoming summer.

I've missed my family much lately and am anxiously awaiting news of the arrival of my little niece!



Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you.  Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.
-Psalm 143:8 

Emmanuel - God with us

View from the top of the fuller library - not bad.  

Beauty 

In the fall we did a road trip to San Diego, my three German friends are all back in Germany, have been so blessed by their friendship.

Los Angeles At night

Pray

To hope is to trust - and have confidence in what God is doing.  It's a healthy optimism that human failure is never final and requires patience as we wait, knowing that all will turn out well.

Tonight, I cannot sleep.  Instead, I lay awake.  It is something that I do not enjoy.  I wish I could enjoy this sleepless night more.  Now that we're on the topic of wishes....I wish I had a car right about now, so I could drive somewhere cool, maybe to the ocean and hear the waves crashing at night, and see the endless night sky with the stars.  If I had a car, I would also stop at mc donalds and buy 3 cookies for 1 dollar (because that still exist here in California), I would blast some Jesus music with the windows down.  At sunrise (in roughly 2 hours time) I would drive to the mountains and see the sunrise.  Since we're wishing - I would also magically know how to play the guitar so that I could strum my favorite tunes.  I would also wish that my best friend Jesus would heal my heart so that I could be overflowing with love for people who hurt, just like me.  I would wish away all the times I ever hurt others (lets not get carried away) and would wish that no one would have to go through pain, or suffering, or heartache.  I would wish away the killings, the broken homes, the wars, the genocides, the ...list...goes...on....

But wishing never did anybody any good.  Praying -however - God answers prayers.  He has answered some of mine and for the bigger complicated ones, he answers with justice.  Justice, is the work that we are called to partner in.  Love Justice (love does), show mercy (action), walk humbly with our God.  Sometimes, my focal point is so small and I wish things were different, or better, or the way things I want them to be, and the wishing turns to discontent, and the discontent to worry, and the worry to...this.  No seep.

And then, late at night, when all I have is prayer and the Bible, a still small pull from deep down inside reminds me of my identity in Christ.  Life is short.  Don't let it be in vain.  Do not let all of those injustices, all of that suffering, pain and turmoil that people go through, don't let it be in vain - that is what my soul cries out to God amidst the silence.  When I a weak, then I am strong.  Tonight I am so weak; so I hope and pray with all that is in me....that I may rejoice when the prayers of others are answered.  God is good.  All the time. 

I lift my eyes up to the hills - where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip- he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you - The Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm - he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.
Psalm 121

 
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful. I know that full well...

 

All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

 

How precious are your thoughts, O God!

How vast the sum of the! Were I to count them

they would outnumber the grains of sand.

When I am awake, I am still with you.

 

Psalm 140:16-18

Enlarge the place of your tent,

stretch your ten curtains wide, do not hold back

....

For the Maker is your husband -

The Lord Almighty is his name -

The Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer,

he is called the God of all the earth.

Isaiah 54:2-5



 And now, I am exhausted.  Good.

 

C'est la vie

The days are filled with readings.  I laughed aloud in the library in the other day when a ridiculously long word came across the page, "pneumatomachianism" what?  Yea I don't know either... honestly I just skip over words like those.

My roommate just knocked on the door and dropped off a plate full of cookies.  YUM.  Small gestures like that make such a difference.  Reading. Time.

 Cool Video.  C'est la vie = "That's Life" 

Notes from class in poverty and development

Went to a panel this week about Africa and Christian and Muslim relations.  It was super interesting.

brainstorm ideas for....community!

At City Hall, handstands....do them while you can.

I spend a majority of time here.  Top floor of the library.

or here....reading in my room.

Time for Everything

Rose Bowl trail

Carpe Diem...in this beautiful life.

"The thief comes to steal and kill and destroy.  I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." John 10:10  :)