Writing just to Write

I have this love/hate relationship with writing. 

I usually love writing when I don't have time to write and can fantasize about the next time I get to sit down and create something beautiful with words.  Maybe it's the clarity I've been seeking all along.

I usually hate writing when all I have to do is write and I literally can't take a break because of some crazy due date.  The crazy due date, used to be my fault due to tight deadlines.  But now, because of the line of work I am in, emergencies and relief work, it's just always tight deadlines.

This past week I have been visiting family in the States and it has been SO GOOD to be home - but also SO BAD to be stuck at my computer for a majority of the time.  I have spent at least 12 hours writing today.  And today I hated writing.

It's 3 AM.  Michael is sleeping.  I should be sleeping.
But then I remembered that I used to really enjoy writing on this blog, that there are fun things to write about, things that seem to mean nothing at all but add up to a story somehow.

So I want to start writing again, for no other good reason then to write, and to share the journey that has been happening.  Because it has been a crazy one.

On that note, this was short, and sweet, but at least I wrote something!! Here is hoping for more blogs along the way.

Peace,

in the middle east.

A Change in Seasons

I would be re missed if nothing made it onto the blog during this part of the journey.  It's probably one of the top five favorite seasons in life thus far, might even make it to the number one spot by October.  I think you would understand and agree considering the exciting news of engagement!  That's right, this Garza girl is engaged!  After 29 years, and many ups and downs and turn arounds, that annoying question of who I will spend the rest of my life with has been answered - It's Michael!

To describe this season, of course, a hot cup of coffee, brisk breeze from the window and warm haze of a candle are all involved in setting the mood.  It has been joy filled and a gift of time to have spent these last few months with family as the details come together.  Due to the fairly unpredictable nature of our jobs, and of course our strong desire to begin life together, Michael and I have decided to plan a wedding within four months.  Just in time to enjoy the fall and drink many pumpkin spice lattes while watching the leaves change colors.  There is a ridiculous amount of symbolism in the changing seasons and so it is fitting that we get to tie the knot (as they say) as the seasons rapidly change here in the mid west.

Today, my sister and I went for our first dress fitting and it was super fun to feel like a princess. This week we will be selecting the music and working on a guest book.  I will save you from the boredom of listing all the other wedding details that must take place; please rest assured they will be completed in time. T Minus 45 days away.

Aside from all of the wedding details, Lisie and I have spent many days together training for the Chicago Marathon.  It has been difficult to keep up the pace as the miles continue to increase, we are up to run a 16 mile run this weekend.  In case you are wondering, it is not a walk in the park.  It's over two hours of sweaty effort as my achy knees pound the pavement reminding me that 30 is around the corner.  Podcasts have been a saving grace.

Here are some of our engagement photos.

Love,

Alison

Hail on the window pains

A short reflective post

It's Saturday night here in Chicago, tomorrow we will celebrate fathers day and I look forward to time with family.  The last seven months have been - stretching.  Shortly after the last post I returned to the middle east and was immersed into long working days with no weekends off; we were responding to an emergency of mass displacement caused by war.  My immediate role included keeping track of all the items we distributed and activities we accomplished each day - where, when, and exact location.  Eventually our team decided to open an emergency field hospital near the front lines of war, and so the team was hard at work with planning.  Writing it all here seems daunting.

Tonight I logged back into this account after so long, and saw a draft that I began to write in March.  It was a stormy night, and I was feeling quite lowly.  My mind was tired from work and my days were surrounded with news on the war, on death, on suffering, on injustice and senseless daily killings.  The emergency was constant and it felt almost unreal at times.  I knew that people reading the news in distant lands could click a button, flip a switch, and forget it just like that.  Yet, for the families that I saw lined up to receiver their monthly food rations, or for the children I saw laying in the hospital bed with bandaged wounds - purely from weapons meant to kill - for them, and for us - it was a reality.  Somedays, like that day, it stared you in the face, unforgiving.  The disparity seemed to laugh in my face.  Below is the draft of the post from that day in March.  Hopefully providing a glimpse of the last few months and the reality that people are facing even still today.

- March Post - 

I can hear the hail coming down on the window pains and see the lightening bolts strike.  Thunderstorm.  Not too long ago I also heard the sound of fighter jets flying overhead, were they flying to or from the war in Mosul?  Are the children ok? 

I used to love the rain.  I used to squirm with excitement and run outside with my sister to try and see how long we could play with the lightening and thunder.  The constant pour of water was refreshing and in those days, seemed like they brought healing and life.  Now, rain often causes tears to well up in my eyes.  The thunder reminds me, as it reverberates in my heart, of the pain that families are facing not too far down the road from where I am now.

just down the road, are families sitting in their tents, freezing from the rain, trying to keep things dry.  Just down the road are people like you and me - filled with a sense of hopelessness by a war they can not control.  Just down the road, they sit, waiting, stuck, uncertain of the coming days.  And that rain that once brought me joy in a different season, now brings me a bit of their pain.  I will never know or understand what it feels like to be displaced from my home.  I will never fully feel their pain of loss from family members killed, raped, or brainwashed and it seems cruel to even write about it as if I do understand it, because I don't, and I won't. 

This broken world is still not yet fully healed, and there is a lot of work left to do.  Somedays I wish I could ignore it and live a normal life, with no pain or constant reminder of injustice and violence.  Yet - God is gracious and kind, and forgiving, and gently reminds me...

Pause - End Post

Hoping to post more now that I am home.  Especially hoping to finish my thought sand not leave them hanging for three months like that ... sentence above.  Grandpa - thank you for reading!  I love you!

Alison

Welcome to Limbo Land

It's time for an update.  Do you know how I know it's time for an update?  I think the two baskets of clean laundry sitting in the middle of my room that are waiting to be folded told me it's time.  Their presence has suddenly reminded me that of the 20 "to do" items floating around in my head...updating this blog is currently the most important one.  I also conveniently have used this blog as a procrastinate escape in the past.

With that being said, I didn't quite think through what this particular post could be about aside from an update on the past three months back in the United States.  Seems relevant.  This past August I moved home after spending 7 months in the Middle East.  Three months later and I am currently in limbo land.  Limbo land is my favorite way to describe the season of uncertainty that has continuously been a life theme of mine.  I truly dislike limbo land, but usually it's my fault.  I tend to be drawn to ambiguity and don't really like to feel tied down, on top of that my passions have kind of guided me in the strangest ways.

YET limbo land has taken on a new character.  It used to be a time of frustration while I painstakingly wait for clues about the future.  Now it is a time of relaxation.  It's a new understanding that this is a phase and that I should enjoy it for all it is worth. Even now as I am typing this, I"m beginning to think that limbo land feels a bit selfish, but I promise it is not that.  Rather, it has meant rekindling and strengthening old friendships even if it means a trip to visit friends in California or a random camping trip to Minnesota at the end of October with Bri (COLD).

It's also a whole lot of reading.  I currently have, let me count, 8 books within my immediate vicinity - books that I am reading all at the same time.  Don't ask me how this is possible.  The only way I can explain it is that I get bored easily with one book so I will switch to another after a few chapters.  Or - perhaps, I have spent a few hours reading one book, and decide later on that same day that I would rather read a book about love, "well perfect, self, let me switch books to 'love without limits'" or whatever other book I have on that topic.  It's almost like I have been living through all these stories every day as a I read.  Fun thought no?  It's a spoiled thing to do when I know that I can't bring all these books with me next time I cross the ocean.

Yes, Life has been THAT interesting.  Oh wait, it gets better, because there is also a pair of new and clean running shoes on my floor.  Most of the day is also spent THINKING about running.  Now, I do hope to change the thinking to action soon.  Let it be known that I ran 3 miles yesterday, thought about running 3 today - but showered instead, which means.... that I will by default run 3 more tomorrow since I thought about it all day today.

I've picked up running again because my boyfriend wants me to run a half marathon with him.  In case you read that sentence quickly, or actually forgot to read it.  I just want to point out a keyword.  "Boyfriend."  Michael and I met on a hiking trip in the Middle East and quickly became friends.  I don't quite know how to write out the whole story just yet, and maybe that's for another time, but the big news is basically that God has given me a once in a lifetime opportunity to date this amazing guy named Michael.  So limbo land has also meant spending quality time getting to know him over skype. While long distance is not ideal, the positive of starting a relationship this way is that it makes us talk, a lot.  Every day I am learning something new about Michael and more grateful for our relationship.  He is a passionate and caring man with a lot of energy, and already adds excitement to my life while living thousands of miles away. This will be an adventure, I have no doubt about that.  He is the only person that has told me that he likes hanging out with me because I slow him down.  Usually, people tell me the opposite.  Getting to know Michael has enlarged my heart and left me in awe at the ways that God works to bring people together for His good.  This part of the story is barely unfolding and I can hardly wait to see where it leads.  Michael reminds me to enjoy each stage of our relationship as it comes, even this time apart, accepting it as a gift from God to be cherished.  I really like him.

While I dislike limbo land, it has also given me the time to reflect on and replenish the deep areas in my heart that brought me out to international work in the first place.  I have also been making some new friends that have similar passions and held conversations with cups of coffees in comfy cafes.  Get this, I worked at a bookstore for a week before getting a phone call to let me know that limbo land is finally coming to a close.  It seems I will be heading back to the Middle East very soon, as I wait for a response, I am aware that within a week or two I could be on a plane once more.  My new role will include the communications for an NGO on the front lines of their relief response to the war there. I am thrilled to say the least, especially since it will bring me closer to Michael, that is an added bonus.  Yet, as always, a bit sad to have to say goodbye to friends and family again.

I am grateful for these past three months and the time that it has been.  Also, so very happy to close this post with a clean floor.  My mother came in about two paragraphs ago and helped me fold the clean laundry - so it seems this night is ending well accomplished.  Thank you for reading - updating again soon.  It seems this blog is a sweet way to document the seasons of life over the years from Bolivia, through Fuller in California, to Turkey, India, the Middle East and back - I am amazed at the ways that God works.  All that joy, all that pain -  OH and all that uncertainty of limbo land - wouldn't have it any other way.

Alison

P.S. Here is a song that Michael shared with me while I was going through a hard time earlier - hope you find it encouraging in whatever circumstance you find yourself

Never Imagined

Yesterday I arrived back "home" from a trip to the Holy Land: Jerusalem.  It was great. (photos coming in next post)

Never imagined that I would get a chance to walk around where Jesus did, to explore some tunnels made by Hezekiah in the Bible, or to sit on the exact hill that Jesus gave the sermon on the mount.  Nope - didn't really think of it before - and yet - it still happened.

Seems that a lot of life works like that.  Never imagined a lot of these things that have been happening over the last year.  Yet - it still happened, and it was great.  Today marks a year since I set foot in Turkey - and have since traveled to 12 countries, spending the most time working with internally displaced people.  The exact type of thing that has been breaking my heart for over 3 years now.  I did not know that all of that research and all those late nights would amount to me sitting next to people in their tents and planning sports programs that help to bring healing.

I like not knowing and I like having to trust.  Yet - at the same time, it's confusing.  Did I chose this or did it chose me?

Regardless - this year of work has confirmed that God is actively working in this world and is faithful, true, and loving.  It's not about me choosing or not choosing, it's not even about me obeying - it's about a God loving the people He created and bringing redemption to the world.  I have seen it and will never be the same again.

Short but sweet entry for this evening because time keeps slipping....

Goodnight for now

My Goodnight Story

Exactly midnight.  Headphones In.  Laying in bed – finally. 

I found myself reading a good book that was talking about the stories of our lives.  It was so good – and the music I was listening to was so good at the same time – so it was a mini dilemma, which one should I pay attention to more? So I would read some, listen some, and then, reflect some.

Reflect some.

How in the world did I end up here?  How in the world does time move so fast?  How in the world does life look so similar yet so different in various places across the globe? 

Then all of a sudden a photo falls out of one of my books.  To be fair, I was holding the book upside down because I was lying in my bed reading….and….it was a photo from nearly two years ago.  Me and three friends – we are all in different locations now, all doing some kind of work, and we all don’t get to talk so often.  

Yet – I couldn’t help but smile and let some strange tears of gratitude fall down my face.  How did God work this one out?  To meet amazing people with deep passions, and then, to become involved in work across the world that really reaches out to people who are in a rough season of life yet so loved at the same time.  It's something that really puts life into perspective.  

After a few moments, and with the music playing beautiful melodies in my ears, that’s when I sat up, grabbed this lap top and began to type – because I feel like it’s important to share moments like these.  A moment when we realize that our lives are telling beautiful stories of love and redemption as we meet people and share in their life stories.  That – God leads in ways we could never imagine and to look back and see it is a gift, even the painful parts look like beautiful pieces of a puzzle.  The crazy part, is that, there's still a lot of puzzle pieces left.  

So – that’s my goodnight story.  

unexpected cool thing - hikes

Kids like to take pictures, it's hard to direct when you don't speak the language

Picnic season - so beautiful

The Alison Daires - excerpts from travels

I am so tired, I will not complain - I"ll just describe it.  I'm too tired to even go to bed because that requires me walking up the stairs, brushing my teeth, and then getting into bed.  Too much work.  So the alternative is sitting here and mindlessly letting my fingers type the thoughts that come into my head - a dangerous alternative.

Option C seems better - copying and pasting entries that I've ran across this evening from my travels through India and Nepal...

The work here is good.  It is like a dream come true in many ways, yet very difficult at the same time.  Today I was sitting next to a coworker from Syria, and thinking how just a year ago I was completing research on the Syrian refugee crisis and now....we are making plans to work with people affected by the war.  Those late nights were not in vain.    Anyways, I chose option C, not option B - yet here I am already mindlessly typing away.  Also - this is pretty awesome - currently have Reggaeton music playing in my headphones, something I have not listened to in quite some time, and it just makes these tired and mindless moments so wonderful.  Before I embarrass myself more with rambling thoughts - here are the copy and paste versions of pieces of "entries" from the travels.  These "entries" tend to happen when I want to process my thoughts but am too tired to write them in my journal (like now) with handwriting..  Let's call the next portion of this blog -- the Alison Diaries (part 1)

The Alison Diaries (part 1)

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Oct. 29 - Calcutta

written after spending the day with some kids in the slum, most of whom where high off of sniffing glue or other substances. 

I hate the brokenness that people have to face and want people to see the joy in the midst of the brokenness.  I want to help to bring hope into the dark places.  How?  I have to believe that they too can see redemption in the land of the living.  I have to believe that it is worth it and that positive change is possible.  I have to know agents of change that I can call up to support and encourage them in these difficult times.  In these circumstances, unrelenting, forgiving, unconditional love is necessary.  Tough love too.  It’s an art to love kids that have been through trauma and abuse.  It’s an art.  I think God uses our stories too, to help bring redemption into the lives of others.

November 17 - Nepal

written at a time I was interviewing for next steps and considering how much I wanted to actually commit to international development work.

I’ve been “walking slow” through next steps for the past few years as I try to make sense out of the way that God leads.  I’ve been asking question after question to stranger after stranger (become friend) about why they do what they do and how God has worked in their life.  At some point though, it became time to stop sitting on the sidelines asking questions and to line up to jump into the game when the whistle blows. 

I remember in soccer games, when I was told it was my time to get in the game, a bunch of nerves would come up as I stood at the sideline and waiting for the whistle to blow indicating that someone stepped off, and I stepped on the field.  It was an adrenaline rush to go from sitting on the bench to sprinting full speed down the field or attacking the opposing team’s forward head on within a matter of seconds.  My mind would trick  me into thinking that I wasn’t that good as I sat on the bench, and then within seconds my body would go into full speed and silence the mind as I focused on only what was happening in those moments.  Moment by moment, kick by kick, pass by pass, we would play. 

This is kind of the place I find myself in now – I’m on the sidelines but just about jumping in – I feel the whistle is about to blow and I feel ready to get involved in the world of humanitarian work, wherever it may lead.

Dec. 9 - Bangalore

written at the house of some Korean friends who had graciously hosted me during my first two weeks in India and let me return to their house near the end of my travels.

Less than two weeks left in India.  I’ve hardly begun to express all that has happened over the last three months here, and even before that, the time spent in Turkey.  It’s all blurring together in my mind and every so often memories will come back of funny things that were said or good conversations that were had.

How do you process such a crazy, seemingly random journey that has been woven together so masterfully that to credit anyone other than God would be ludicrous.  I think – you just let it be.

Today as I was enjoying breakfast with the current family that is hosting me, my eyes and thoughts focused on all the little things.  I often do this to remember well places, moments or people.  I noticed the design on the coffee cups, the way that sipping this coffee made everything seem peaceful.  I listened to them speak Korean and thought of all the years they lived here (over 20) and how cool that I got to spend time here.

And then – I realized something.  I’m detail oriented!!  I’ve been paying attention to details my whole life and here I had been telling myself  wasn’t for over 20 years.  Ok, so maybe I do miss the details that others would deem important, but I bet you I remember the other details that no one else does.  The way the face expressions can change between sentences, or the way So what if the details aren’t important by others standards, and ok so maybe I miss the detials.... (I think the girls got home from school so my attention was diverted)

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So there it is - bits and pieces from those travels.  Signing off this evening - all this to say - Nothing is ever constant - our feelings, our emotions, our way of processing - change.  Even circumstances, those change too, the people that I see regularly who are living in tents or abandoned buildings can tell you that when you place your hope on the things that change and can ultimately be destroyed - you will be disappointed and life will lose purpose.  So -  I believe a life of meaning is one that seeks to know and love God and to love others with that love that only God can give - unconditional, immeasurable, unchanging, and unmoving love.  Something like that.

Goodnight...tired...yet a little more awake - staying up this late may have been a mistake.  On a much cooler end - we are distributing close to 10,000 shoes to IDPs tomorrow.  Excited?? Yes.... From there to here - only God.