I decided to go

"And you will name your child Craig...WHY? Because God brought me here to stir up your faith!"  silence....

....I hate it when my phone dies in the middle of something good like it did last night while listening to a great sermon by this awesome man - Craig Groeschel.  So instead of hearing his next words the last phrase repeated it my mind over and over...

To stir up your faith...

Two nights ago I met my two new roommates for the first time over a skype call.  1 girl from Oklahoma, and the other from Singapore - we chatted it up.  I can't tell you how exciting it was to hear them share their passions and personalities, and also how nerve racking it was to realize what this conversation meant.

This conversation meant commitment.  There was a small moment, when one of the girls said, "so are you guys in?"  She meant, do you guys want to live together?  But for me the question meant, "Alison, are you going to Fuller or not."  It wouldn't be cool to lead on these two girls and then leave them hanging.  So I had to think fast as my mind shot through the three possible answers, yes, no, give me time.  I have had time, I've had tons of time, and it didn't help anything.  These girls are great, and I wanted to get to know them, and so I said yes.

I said yes to Fuller Theological Seminary.  I said yes to moving to California in a month.  I said yes to saying goodbye to friends and family here for the next few years.  And I said yes to a new chapter in life where everything is vague, not at all planned out, and super unknown.

I made the decision, in my head, a week ago.  In my head.  When you make a decision in your head, without any type of action attached.  You can still pretend like things aren't going to change. I found that as I began to tell people, the decision became real.  And - mixed emotions surfaced that I didn't think would arise.

It's that awful mixture of a helpless and sad feeling.  It's the realization of a new chapter in life that requires an ending paragraph to my current reality. Things will never be the same, and this time, I am choosing it.  And quite frankly, I am perfectly happy with the present, things have been going great!  So it is confusing why I would choose to move when everything is going so well here.

If I go based off my feelings, I might not be going anymore, I would just sway back and forth like I have been for weeks.  If I go based off practicality, I wouldn't be going either, because everything points to an easier and comfortable route through graduate school here.  But If I go based off of faith, that is the only way I am able to go.  Because otherwise it just doesn't make sense.

Tonight as Craig talked to me through a computer screen.... there were a few quotes that stuck out to me -

1.  "We need to have faith to start, to take the next step.  You don't have to have the faith to finish, you have to have the faith to start."

2.  "The decisions that we make today will determine the stories that we tell tomorrow."

3. "Sometimes the best decision you can make is to go when it would be easier to stay."

4.  This man was comfortable with who God made him to be and how God could use him in his weakness of not knowing everything.  Let that be me.

Do I think it's a coincidence that the week that I finally decide to go when it it would be easier to stay, there is confirmation in this sermon?  No. It just stirred up my faith that God is in control and guiding this little light of mine.

Lord willing, I'm moving from Chicagoland to Pasadena, California...very soon.  I am scared.  I am nervous. I'm excited.  But everything will be alright.

P.S. The sermon I"m referring to can be found at the Willow Creek Website titled "My Story: I decided to go" by Craig Groeschel

Jessica in Chicago. 

1 method to make a decision.  Throw the pieces of paper, pick one. (Uncle Nate helping me decide - I asked him to do it)

Lisie loves starbucks for all her internship/study purposes.

Cousin Miriam visited from Wisconsin!!

Chicago.  It's a good place.

Gold Cup Finals today - US vs. Panama.  We won 1-0! 

A small bike ride turned long/naturey...found this cool green place

....And we found a tractor for climbing!

Is it Worth it?

As the reality of going into debt for a degree that doesn't promise any sort of merit or a good paying job sets in; I sometimes become trapped into thinking that it just might not be worth it.  Discouraging thoughts begin to fill my mind and I begin to question..well...everything.

In this process of discernment I have met with countless people from all walks of life.  Curious about the way God works, I often ask them to reflect and share how they have seen God work in their lives.

Through it all, I am amazed by the way that God works.  Stories of heartbreak, stories of trial, stories of uncertainty and stories of grace and goodness.  However, there seems to be a pattern.  This pattern freaks me out.  It seems, those who full-heartedly set out to follow God, whether it be here or abroad, face an insurmountable amount of pain at times.  They speak of times of unhappiness and turmoil, and it all sounds so painful.  At times I find myself asking... Is it worth it?  Why in the world do I want to follow God if it seems that I am promised trials?  Where is the love that we are told about since childhood?  Why would a loving God allow such pain?  I know I"m promised his presence, but that doesn't negate the pain, the pain is still there, and it is very real.  Heartbreak is never fun.

Today that was the nagging question on my mind as I set off to the library with books and papers to make a decision on graduate school.  I wished the question could have been which school to attend, but instead I was bombarded with thoughts about why in the world I am even trying so hard to study something that will put me in debt and pay almost nothing.  Not practical, and not promising - so it seems.

But in reading the Bible..this is what jumped out and comforted my heart.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

"Yes, we live under constant danger of death because we serve Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be evident in our dying bodies.  So we live in the face of death, but this has resulted in eternal life for you.  But we continue to preach because we have the same kind of faith the psalmist had when he said, "I believe in God, so I spoke."  We know that God, who raised the Lord Jesus, will also raise us with Jesus and present us to himself together with you.  All of this is for your benefit.  And as God's grace reaches more and more people, there will be great thanksgiving, and God will receive more and more glory.  That is why we never give up.  Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day.  For our present troubles are small and won't last very long.  Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!  So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen.  For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever."

Ok, so I can't comprehend nor see the outcome of everything.  However, I know God does love.  He loves more than we could ever imagine.  If trials lead to someone else experiencing God's love, than it is all worth it.
Shout out to Lisie for showing me this song.  It's like Jesus' love song.  It's my jam yo.

"We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure.  This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves."  
2 Corinthians 4:7

Grandpa and I - "you were probably catching the wind with your tongue" - mom

Lisie arrived a few minutes ago to chill with me at the library!

Sarah and rocks - the best.

I'm learning to be a woman...fettucini alfredo

pasta

And now..Back to what I came here for...it's been real.  I HATE DECISIONS

Psalm 73:26
My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.

Be Still

His grace is sufficient for me, for His power is made perfect in weakness.  To Him a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years like a day.  The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want....Be still and know that I am God...

Be Still and Know that I am God - Psalm 46:10

I fear being still because in the stillness, I might feel so alone.  Instead - in the silence and stillness I am reminded of God's love for us, and just how BIG He is.  I am reminded how short this life is, and the importance of making every moment count.  I am reminded that God is in control of everything and how much I need God's grace.  He renews my hope for the present and future, and reminds me that I am never alone.

Something beautiful happens in the stillness.  To be outside, and to see the intricacies of everything that God has made, and to understand but not really understand the bigger picture and to reflect on all the crazy ways that God works.  To have the ability to give thanks in the midst of good times and bad, and to be surrounded by God's love.  It begs the question, why am I not still more often?






As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts (says the Lord) - Isaiah 55:9

Music to my ears

Today a couple of songs have been on my heart and mind...on replay...and generally the songs that I really really like, I really really like because they express deep feelings or what I am going through.  Isn't that generally how it works anyways?

The first one - Oh my God - by Jars of Clay
I get excited when I listen to this, because it has so many memories attached.  A favorite since childhood, it talks about the injustices that are going on in our world and questions all of it.  There is so much injustice going on and it just isn't cool.  It's painful to think of all the pain that people go through in this life.  Listening to this song reminds me why in the world I am so gosh dern passionate about spreading God's love.  And I get excited.

The second song - JJ Heller - Who you are
"sometimes I don't know what you're doing, but I know who you are."  Ain't that the truth!  I really don't know what God is doing - but I sure know how he loves us.  God's in control.

The third song - Mercy Mercy - Hillsong United
Woke up wanting to hear this song.  Started off the day right.  Mercy Mercy bring me to my knees.

Arrest my heart
From its reckless path
Release the chains in me
Awake my soul
To the hope You hold
Your grace is all I need

And some photos...

campfire and community

Rediculous amount of papers to make the decision.  

Lisie is training for a marathon!!!!

Willow Creek Fathers day service - Fathers playing guitars

Hillsong United Concert

Royal Family Kids Camp - week long camp for foster kids

And this is me after - sick and exhausted.   I'm almost at 100 percent now!  Melissa came from Kansas for the weekend and was able to comfort me with her interesting stories...;)

Unfiltered thoughts - THE LOOMING DECISION - fear everywhere

oh man - if only you could see me now - if you could see this girl..right here - right now.

My head has been spinning for days - at various parts of the days - and my sleep pattern has been disrupted.  This is what we call - making a big decision.  It's not worry this time, it is just...I have NO clue.

Oh my goodness.  Decisions Decisions Decisions.  I like to be wishy washy, and I like to be relaxed and say everything happens for a reason, and it will all work out.  I do not like to have to make a blatant decision, and i definitely don't like being confused about it.  I don't like the questions swirling around my head, and I don't like the anti-peace...mmmm..lets call it war going on in my head.  I do not like it one bit.  Times like these I wish there was a blinking sign...a toss of a die...something so easy to just say - There, that's it, that's the next step.  Then i would smile and faithfully take that step.  But when you don't know that next step, and you feel like you're supposed to know that next step - it can get really frustrating.  It isn't even worry.  It is just - I do not have any type of peace about either decision, and it really disturbs me - let call it ....lets call it..

ok darn't it's fear, and its not real faith.  It is scary, and it is all unknown.  It is the realization that this decision must be made by myself and must be made in faith that it is right.  It is the realization of the weight of such a decision and honestly I wish I could just sleep this thing off and wake up and know.

This fear is real, and looming, and it's sickening.  This fear has been robbing me of my sleep.  What am I scared of?  I'm scared of making the wrong decision and I am scared of the commitment, of the debt, of the difficulties that I know will take place, and of the uncertainties.  I want to go with the comfortable, but the comfortable doesn't give me peace.  So when I think of the uncomfortable it doesn't give me peace either, but that's just because it is scary.

It is one thing to know the next best step, and it is another thing to do it.  I'm going to do it.  But my head is throbbing, my gut is all nervy, and the questions are beginning to build.  Where is the peace that people talk about?  Will it come eventually?  Will I not discover it for a few months?  Most importantly, where is the faith that I thought that I had?

So this entry is unadulterated thoughts, and quite honestly...can be quite embarrassing.  Because I thought I understood, and I can verbally recite to you the right thing to say to others in this situation.  But then when it comes down to...the time....when it's all or nothing - that is when the real testing begins.  So...

The time is now.

And there is no turning back.  I met with someone this week who told me...NOW is God's will for your life...you're living in your purpose NOW..it's NOW.  Sure you might be preparing for some other time.. but ultimately, where you are now, is where God has you, and is using you.  I agree, but unfortunately this decision that has to be made about the future is also NOW, and I can no longer ignore it or wish it solved by something like rock, paper, scissors.  It's in my face, because I have to decide where to go to graduate school...today.

So i'm freaking out while staring at this blank form right now, it's so funny looking to me, and all so surreal because I know that years down the line, this evening will be so prominent in my mind.. I know the weight of this past week, all the conversations I had, and the things I saw, I have confidence it all played out this way for a reason.  I have confidence that my friend that randomly signed online and chatted with me as I was typing this...was a reminder...

Because even as all these thoughts were swirling, and as my fingers were typing up a rage of fears, to my own personal shame - my friend was typing to me the faithfulness of God, and his control over everything, and my identity as a daughter, and the promises of who I am to him - and Romans 8:38 - that nothing can separate us from God's love.  And as I went back in forth, from these unfiltered thoughts on this thing called a blog, to the conversation with my friend that was unfolding - validating my fears but also underlying the need to fully trust - that swirling headache I've had, and that unnerving feeling slowly began to dissipate.

Everything will be alright, God is in control.

So what you have just read my friend, if you have made it this far into the post - is a battle I have been facing this past week, about making the right decision, and you have just read the breakdown...of how the final decision was made after much time and reflection.  I stayed up late, with a swirling headache full of fears, and someone reminded me of God's love and then...I just knew.  And I always hated that phrase.  What does that mean when someone says they just know?  So lame.  Well.  In this particular situation, it didn't just happen, it's the result of much prayer, thought, scripture, conversations, reflection, research, and searching - only to find that the peace comes in letting go.

So tonight, this much I know.  God is with me wherever I go, whatever I decide, and that I am just a little vessel...a crazy little vessel..and it's time to let go and move forward - one step at a time.

So - perhaps its the late hour...perhaps I need sleep, but I think I know the decision to be made, so I ask that you pray because tomorrow is a big day.

Bam.  Goodnight.  Finally.

disclaimer: this was legit unfiltered thoughts, so if this confuses you - do not worry - because that's life and in hindsight, it all makes sense...right?  At least that's what people tell me.. ;)

ouuu your love is a symphony

I've been keeping my eyes wide open ^  OUUUUUU your love is a symphony

Meeting, reading, singing, sleeping, running, working, eating - just ya know living life....

I've been waiting for June for months now - and it is finally almost here!  June is a result of months of all those things listed above (and I suppose time too).. and I can scarcely wait to enjoy it.

Stay tuned.

I want a dog.  Never thought I liked dogs...or kids...but they're always drawn to me..God knew.  P.S.  that doesn't mean I want a kid...just that I enjoy their company

Family Video! WORK.  My mom said that if I didn't work there, then I wouldn't be having the conversations I'm having with customers - gives a nice perspective to the job.

My mom likes to invent workouts for herself.. It works...

I came home late one night and this happened.  Precious.

Until next time!!....SMILE

If I let these dreams die - if I lay down all my wounded pride...

If I let these dreams die, will I find - the letting go lets me come alive?

Empty my hands, fill up my heart, capture my mind with you. - Tenth Avenue North (Empty My Hands)

Decision time. Scatterbrained points from months of conversations and hardcore reflection

I should be freaking out about now.  I normally would be freaking out about now, reading books upon books about God's will for life, hanging onto every word that people say while trying to decode the messages for direction.  Normally, that is me.  Actually - that was me a few months ago.

I will say though, the good part about taking all of that "what in the world am I here for" questions seriously, and frantically searching for answers, is that you meet tons of people and gain a bit of wisdom along the way, so that when the times really comes to make decisions, you already know what to do.

You take the next best step.

Sounds so ambiguous right?  That's what I thought when listening to a sermon on Moody a few months back.  Ok. So - How do you know what the next best step is?  How do you know it's the right next best step?  What if that next best step leads me to a place I don't want to be, can I backtrack on that step?  a couple of steps?  You get the idea right.  Worry.

I've been learning though, worrying, is really a lack of trust.

Taking the next best step isn't ambiguous when our heart is literally and seriously aligned with scriptures, and all that God is, and who he has created us to be.  God makes promises in that thing we call a bible, and God calls us to live a certain way.  And God still leads us today.

So here is a recap of conversations, sermons, books, and thoughts that have penetrated my heart these past few months.
1. Draw near to God and he will draw close to you.  (James 4:8)

2.  Check your motives, reasoning, thoughts, and desires - do they align with scriptures?  If not - OUCH, and pray for forgiveness, guidance, help, tons of help.  tons.  Repeat.

3.  Ask God to reveal who you are to the core, and pay attention to what is going on around you, friends and family, all that good stuff. (psalm 139)

4.  Pay attention to what makes your heart beat faster, what gives you a rush of joy and makes you happy?  Analyze that. Porque.  (why?)

5.  Seek Wise Counsel. (Proverbs 11:14)  Ask others to meet with you, don't be scared, and open up, and listen.  Keep your mouth shut and use discernment on what they are saying if it is right and true.  The shut up part is important.

6.  Pray always - continually - all the time - wherever you are - be thankful always - just cause. (1 Thessalonians 5:16-17)

7.  Trust God - Really.  If things aren't going your way, don't force it.  Unless it is so wrong that you are convicted and have the urge to act right away! (like something unjust) (Proverbs 3:5-6)

8.  Be still.  (Be still and know that I am God)  Let God be God in your life.  Rest in his promises. (Psalm 46:10)

9.  Be Patient.  God is always working.  (Romans 8:28)

10.  Be courageous and take a chance with something, be proactive.  While there is wisdom in waiting and being patient, there is also wisdom in not justifying laziness.  We aren't robots, sometimes we have to do stuff to make things happen too.  (little faithfulness, much will be rewarded - luke 16:10) (Joshua 1:9)

11.  God loves everyone.  EVERYONE.  And created everyone.  So.  Everyone is pretty cool.  It's not cool to not like people, even if they hurt you.  Goes along with that mantra..hate the sin, love the sinner.  We're all sinners though, and all fall short.  So love yourself too. (John 3:16)

12.  Prepare - prepare your heart, prepare your mind, prepare your life for God to rock it. (Job 11:13)

13.  We're all human.  We all make mistakes.  Don't put Godly expectations on people because they will let you down and than you become cynical and judgmental   Accept others, gently direct, show mercy so that God can show you mercy because God knows we all need it.  TONS.  (Romans 3:23) and (Mathew 5:7)

14.  Um...Repent.  Really.  My friend once explained to me the difference between sinning repeatedly and repenting.  Repenting means turning from it and doing whatever it takes to stop sinning.  so..really...mean it and take steps to avoid wrong-doing.  We will fail, but honestly trying is better than not trying at all.  (Psalm 25)

15.  Live in the present - Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  If we look to the past, we get trapped, if we look to the future, we miss the gifts of today.  (Mathew 6:34)

16.  Love.  LOVE hard.  don't be so concerned with yourself, concern yourself with others.  Often times love can guide you places you never would have gone before.  disclaimer:  Love hurts.  When you love you open yourself up to engage in another's pain - so make sure you got your life line connected to Jesus for some one on one healing time too....(Mathew 22:27-39)

I don't think life comes down to a formula or even steps to be the best person ever, really it all comes down to love. Anyways...I could be wrong on some of these, but they're points that have slowly been engraved in my heart these past few months after spending time abroad, having my heart broken by many different things, and in forming new friendships with amazing people who have spoken into my life through their own stories, advice, or actions.

All this to say.  I'm making a big decision over these next 2 weeks.  But all the stuff listed above has really helped me to understand that God is in control, so why worry?  Please pray for me.  I need it.

took this yesterday while driving, clouds always moving, so pretty

Do everything you want to do!! (with wisdom) Ecc 11:9

mama!! before going to the gym...yipee!  she comes home in two hours to go with me today

Skyping a friend, Oscar, In Bolivia...technology is amazing.

hahahahaha sorry mom.  I caught her by surprise and laughed so hard after, wish I had video of it.

flowers in our front yard.  I saw a man stop, cross the street, and come smell them, it was awesome.  His wife was quite embarrassed and looking around to make sure no one saw - but I saw from our front window. :D