I will stay should the world by me fold
Lift up your name as the darkness falls
I will wait and hold fast to your word
Heart on Your heart and my eyes on Yours
- Stay and Wait Hillsong United
This song speaks deeply to me. I can only see the now, and sometimes it can be frustrating. I can not see the future, nor do I have some gift that gives me vision. I want to know the reason behind all of this. I want to better understand how the now impacts the future, and I want to see that all of this is not in vain. I read, and read, and read, about history and pain and suffering and poverty and development, and it all never ends. The poverty never ends. Why am I trying so hard to help? Questions surface as critiques on development work and the good intentions of Christians are scrutinized - God - where are you?
A couple months ago, my grandpa sent me an article on Job. It talked about lament. Lament has colored my life. Why do people suffer so? It hurts - it hurts to see it, and I haven't even felt an ounce of what others go through. I need to see, touch, and feel that love is the answer, I need those stories of hope and redemption or else I fear that I might go crazy with hopelessness.
There's another side of me that questions, why can't I just live life unconcerned about these things? Why must I care too? But it's there, always, in my face, and I don't know what to do about it. I've questioned my motives, I've questioned my ability to help and I feel overwhelmed. I get in the way, and beat myself up, calling myself ignorant and paternalistic. But that doesn't do any good. It just hurts. So as I move forward in studies this week, and am weighed down by thoughts of inadequacy and unworthiness - I am reminded, it's a one step at a time type thing. It's a constant re-focusing of my attention to these HUGE INJUSTICES to the EVEN LARGER God. Who knows it all, does it all, and promises justice for all. ...and there is grace. Because God knows, I need it. God uses the weak. God, works in mysterious ways. God cares.
I do not have any good concluding thought, only felt the desire to express some of my current frustrations that surface as I am buried in books and conversations in a Christian bubble. Regardless of the struggle, the only place that I can find any sort of solace or comfort is in holding fast to the promises in the Bible. I'm thankful for this time and all the discouragement and encouragement that it brings. Missing family as my older sister just gave birth to Aubrey on April 7th!! I'm hoping to visit home this summer.
