Fan the Flame

So I"m reading. BUT in between I get side-tracked.  And my mind wanders to things like this....


Things I want to do over the next year
1. Learn how to break dance (this includes the move with a jumping handstand)
2. Start to learn another language
3. Rock Climb
4. Learn capoeira
5. Take my friend out to sing on the streets - often
6. Go camping
7. Learn how to cook amazing food and host a dinner party
8. Learn to rap

And naturally this leads to looking up good rap songs and....  I really like this video and song.

Yes, I am a PROcrastinator.  Not proud right now. (but seriously, if you want to see another cool one they have another video called "otherside")

But I have good news!  It is all clicking, slowly -- slowly -- the reason behind the rhyme....the vision behind the confusion.

A little flame is useless in daylight, but when it's placed in total darkness, it shines remarkably bright. Someday these thoughts will become action.  The hours spent reading and writing (and avoiding it), it all matters.  It is legit.  These studies matter, these moments matter, and the place we are in matters.  Who we are matters too.  We are a light brightly shining.

Something amazing about my job is that I speak with alumni in all different stages of life.  People who have just moved, just had a baby, just laid rest to a loved one, just found out about cancer, just defeated cancer, just lost a job or just found one.  Life is unpredictable and the people I speak with would agree that their life did not go as planned; but it is still very good.  At the end of our conversation we get to pray together for the point in life that they are at now - it is something special to be a part of - because for a moment in their busy lives and in between my monotonous missed phone calls and answering machines we get to pause and thank God for what he has done, and is doing, and will do in their lives.  We get to take a deep breath and remember that while much of what we ask is uncontrollable by our standards, nothing is impossible with the love of God.  The lights burn gently on.

I"m up late again, this time, by choice.  The amount of school work is quite terrifying, and I will never again sign up for this many classes.

I can't wait to swim in a lake when I visit Chicago - that or run in the rain.

Aubrey! I will meet her soon!

Dancing in Downtown LA to 90s beats this past weekend

My friend Lauren, is taking a class in Gautemala right now, so cool!

In the call center, we will be featured on fuller letters and envelopes and cards (I am a model! #dreamcometrue) ;)

Taped this on my wall because it matters

.... my life.... the struggle is real

Photo montage - Studies lead to us to use our hands and feet to do something in LA.  READY!!!

Beauty in the little things.

Does your heart break?

I can not sleep.  I've been trying to sleep for the past two hours.  My body is exhausted, my brain is exhausted and I feel so drained - it  is most likely anxiety that keeps me awake.  It's the inability to process what in the world is going on in life.  So for the sake of processing, we now have an unedited, stream of consciousness blog post - enjoy!

You see - right before going to bed I decided to take out some time and journal; something I have not done for the last few weeks because these past few weeks have been full.  Seriously full.

But it's when I take out that pen and paper and allow my thoughts to flow that the realization of all that is happening in my life and around the world truly hits - and it hits hard.

You see - the life that I am leading, is full of conversations, and classes, and some pretty monumental world events.  For example, while trying to raise funds from alumni over the phone, I was reading news on CNN about the ISIS fighters in Iraq and the United States bombings.  Syria....I read that the Iraqi people are fleeing to Syria of all places!  Oh lord have mercy...Syria is a whole other mess that I have now written over 30 pages of research on this past year.  Oh Lord have mercy.  And that's just Iraq!  Not to mention, but to mention, Ukraine, Russia, and the Ebola outbreak, Congo, and the list goes on for days.

Then lets talk about my personal life for a second.  Lets get personal in the blogger world.  My personal life is full of vibrant relationships and I am so grateful for them.  And I am learning more about others and myself in the process - apparently I care a lot about people and so it hurts to see them hurt.  It is just terrible to see a friend go through something ....why does caring hurt?  All I can do is be present - which I love to do, but takes time.  So I choose relationships over school work.  Except now this creates a problem - my school work is piling up - papers that require an intensive reading schedule and extensive research complete with big existential life questions like how the Church should be involved in Social Justice.

So in this short amount of journal time I've asked, is there a reason to the rhyme?  Why must I care?  Why am I awake when I am exhausted and thinking about all of this stuff, why is my heart breaking for all of this stuff when I can't do anything about it?  Why did I have to say goodbye to a good friend (who I miss dearly)over this sort of caring?  If it sounds like I have a lot of questions that can't be answered, that's because I do have a lot of questions that can not be answered.

It's a terrible paradox.

Because until I give myself time to start journaling the f word (feelings) and writing out these thoughts and questions, I am perfectly happy go lucky.  And I love being happy go lucky.  And I"ll continue to be happy go lucky, running in the ocean, dancing to music, running around town, and causing all types of cahoots - but how do the two go together?  What am I to do with all of these questions and all of this heart breaking?

I"m pretty sure I am not alone in this.  And I think a lot of us bury these feelings, but what if we are supposed to actually do something with this?  Actually take a step towards raising havoc against these wrongs...somehow - in a small way.  I think that's why I came to study here.

Did I mention that I am tired?

So the positive ending to all of this is a verse that I received from Bonnie, a good friend of my mothers, a few months back and a reminder from Jean Vanier that the present, small, acts of love and obedience are what matters and makes a difference.  It is important to continue to ask these BIG questions but is equally or perhaps even more important to live out a BIG life of love in the here and now.  I would hypothesize that it is through these seemingly small acts of love that these big existential questions are answered.  Hopefully I'll live long enough to tell the tale.  Whatever that means.
Cue Music:




Isaiah 40:28-31

Do you not know?  Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary, and young men stumble and fall; 
but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
They will run and not grow weary,
They will walk and not be faint.

"We are not called by God to do extraordinary things, but to do ordinary things with extraordinary love." - Jean Vanier

Thankful for good friends

Dancing in the wind

Mwera 

spontaneous road trip with friends before the crazy busy life began.

Just Because...!