It can get pretty annoying, and most days I just wish that I already knew what in the world I would be doing. It feels like I've been blindfolded, turned around a few times, and been given a pat on the back to nudge me forward.
I"m currently sitting in a coffee shop in the mountains of Big Bear, California. We came here for a retreat and have been spending time away from our studies to talk and pray with one another. Earlier today I secluded myself from everyone with my little journal that says "Not all those who wander are lost" on the cover.
I found a tree, sat down underneath and began to write, "Dear God, I don't even know where to begin." Long pause. Long, long, Pause. Because, I really don't know where to begin, I often don't know where to begin. "In fact," I began to think, "I am lost." It says all who wander are not lost but, I think i'm lost right now. The irony. That's probably why the quote is so famous - because in all of this wandering we often feel so lost. Feelings matter, but thank goodness they change. So I wrote down a few sentences expressing this feeling of uncertainty that comes and goes and shut the journal, I didn't feel like writing anymore - I wanted to lay down under the trees like I did when I was a kid.Now any member of my family will tell you that this was a favorite pass-time of mine growing up. Erika, used to try and distract me sometimes as I would lie down and watch the leaves or snow fall. They often thought it was weird that I would space out for so long. Probably. But I loved it. I would focus in on the smallest things and then let my mind wander. My mind would weave in and out and at some point I would make myself get up and let go of the moment. Life moves on.
Sometimes I would want those peaceful and carefree moments to last much longer. Sometimes I would stretch those moments out until the mosquitos started to bite or sun started to set and I got cold. Something always ruined it and knowing this, I would always make sure to enjoy it while it lasted.
So today laying there underneath the tree, I was reminded of different thoughts that would pass through my mind as a kid - and you know what - those seemingly random thoughts I had as a kid kind of led to something. They kind of shaped who I am and have led me to pursue these studies on poverty and development. Looking up at the passing seasons shaped my worldview and also gave me this sense of urgency to live life well and enjoy the moments before they're gone.
This is good news because I've recently spent too much time frustrated at my deep-seated passions and idealistic personality that wants to see justice roll down like a river. It is so easy to get discouraged by the overwhelming injustice, poverty, illnesses, evil, lack of...(name it), and the list goes on and on...and on...and on... The question for me has been, Why so much suffering? and Why do I care? Can't I just ignore it and live a normal life? After 27 years, it's becoming clear that I was made this way for a reason, and that it's ok to care, in fact it is good to care because God cares. Since God cares, He can't just ignore it. In fact, God isn't just ignoring it - He is working through people across the globe to restore lives and communities. It looks different among different people and different contexts - but the message is the same. God loves. A lot. And in that love, God is super active everywhere.
There is a time for everything, and a season for everything under heaven. It's time for me to move forward in planning next steps, regardless of the feelings of uncertainty. Martin Luther King Jr. once said, "faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase." What is your next best step? Mine is to email some people about visiting their work abroad to actually see what holistic development work looks like - I've been reading about it, and now it's time to see.
Alison
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| Looking up today |
All that is gold does not glitter
"All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king"
J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring
