I decided to go

"And you will name your child Craig...WHY? Because God brought me here to stir up your faith!"  silence....

....I hate it when my phone dies in the middle of something good like it did last night while listening to a great sermon by this awesome man - Craig Groeschel.  So instead of hearing his next words the last phrase repeated it my mind over and over...

To stir up your faith...

Two nights ago I met my two new roommates for the first time over a skype call.  1 girl from Oklahoma, and the other from Singapore - we chatted it up.  I can't tell you how exciting it was to hear them share their passions and personalities, and also how nerve racking it was to realize what this conversation meant.

This conversation meant commitment.  There was a small moment, when one of the girls said, "so are you guys in?"  She meant, do you guys want to live together?  But for me the question meant, "Alison, are you going to Fuller or not."  It wouldn't be cool to lead on these two girls and then leave them hanging.  So I had to think fast as my mind shot through the three possible answers, yes, no, give me time.  I have had time, I've had tons of time, and it didn't help anything.  These girls are great, and I wanted to get to know them, and so I said yes.

I said yes to Fuller Theological Seminary.  I said yes to moving to California in a month.  I said yes to saying goodbye to friends and family here for the next few years.  And I said yes to a new chapter in life where everything is vague, not at all planned out, and super unknown.

I made the decision, in my head, a week ago.  In my head.  When you make a decision in your head, without any type of action attached.  You can still pretend like things aren't going to change. I found that as I began to tell people, the decision became real.  And - mixed emotions surfaced that I didn't think would arise.

It's that awful mixture of a helpless and sad feeling.  It's the realization of a new chapter in life that requires an ending paragraph to my current reality. Things will never be the same, and this time, I am choosing it.  And quite frankly, I am perfectly happy with the present, things have been going great!  So it is confusing why I would choose to move when everything is going so well here.

If I go based off my feelings, I might not be going anymore, I would just sway back and forth like I have been for weeks.  If I go based off practicality, I wouldn't be going either, because everything points to an easier and comfortable route through graduate school here.  But If I go based off of faith, that is the only way I am able to go.  Because otherwise it just doesn't make sense.

Tonight as Craig talked to me through a computer screen.... there were a few quotes that stuck out to me -

1.  "We need to have faith to start, to take the next step.  You don't have to have the faith to finish, you have to have the faith to start."

2.  "The decisions that we make today will determine the stories that we tell tomorrow."

3. "Sometimes the best decision you can make is to go when it would be easier to stay."

4.  This man was comfortable with who God made him to be and how God could use him in his weakness of not knowing everything.  Let that be me.

Do I think it's a coincidence that the week that I finally decide to go when it it would be easier to stay, there is confirmation in this sermon?  No. It just stirred up my faith that God is in control and guiding this little light of mine.

Lord willing, I'm moving from Chicagoland to Pasadena, California...very soon.  I am scared.  I am nervous. I'm excited.  But everything will be alright.

P.S. The sermon I"m referring to can be found at the Willow Creek Website titled "My Story: I decided to go" by Craig Groeschel

Jessica in Chicago. 

1 method to make a decision.  Throw the pieces of paper, pick one. (Uncle Nate helping me decide - I asked him to do it)

Lisie loves starbucks for all her internship/study purposes.

Cousin Miriam visited from Wisconsin!!

Chicago.  It's a good place.

Gold Cup Finals today - US vs. Panama.  We won 1-0! 

A small bike ride turned long/naturey...found this cool green place

....And we found a tractor for climbing!

Is it Worth it?

As the reality of going into debt for a degree that doesn't promise any sort of merit or a good paying job sets in; I sometimes become trapped into thinking that it just might not be worth it.  Discouraging thoughts begin to fill my mind and I begin to question..well...everything.

In this process of discernment I have met with countless people from all walks of life.  Curious about the way God works, I often ask them to reflect and share how they have seen God work in their lives.

Through it all, I am amazed by the way that God works.  Stories of heartbreak, stories of trial, stories of uncertainty and stories of grace and goodness.  However, there seems to be a pattern.  This pattern freaks me out.  It seems, those who full-heartedly set out to follow God, whether it be here or abroad, face an insurmountable amount of pain at times.  They speak of times of unhappiness and turmoil, and it all sounds so painful.  At times I find myself asking... Is it worth it?  Why in the world do I want to follow God if it seems that I am promised trials?  Where is the love that we are told about since childhood?  Why would a loving God allow such pain?  I know I"m promised his presence, but that doesn't negate the pain, the pain is still there, and it is very real.  Heartbreak is never fun.

Today that was the nagging question on my mind as I set off to the library with books and papers to make a decision on graduate school.  I wished the question could have been which school to attend, but instead I was bombarded with thoughts about why in the world I am even trying so hard to study something that will put me in debt and pay almost nothing.  Not practical, and not promising - so it seems.

But in reading the Bible..this is what jumped out and comforted my heart.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

"Yes, we live under constant danger of death because we serve Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be evident in our dying bodies.  So we live in the face of death, but this has resulted in eternal life for you.  But we continue to preach because we have the same kind of faith the psalmist had when he said, "I believe in God, so I spoke."  We know that God, who raised the Lord Jesus, will also raise us with Jesus and present us to himself together with you.  All of this is for your benefit.  And as God's grace reaches more and more people, there will be great thanksgiving, and God will receive more and more glory.  That is why we never give up.  Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day.  For our present troubles are small and won't last very long.  Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!  So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen.  For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever."

Ok, so I can't comprehend nor see the outcome of everything.  However, I know God does love.  He loves more than we could ever imagine.  If trials lead to someone else experiencing God's love, than it is all worth it.
Shout out to Lisie for showing me this song.  It's like Jesus' love song.  It's my jam yo.

"We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure.  This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves."  
2 Corinthians 4:7

Grandpa and I - "you were probably catching the wind with your tongue" - mom

Lisie arrived a few minutes ago to chill with me at the library!

Sarah and rocks - the best.

I'm learning to be a woman...fettucini alfredo

pasta

And now..Back to what I came here for...it's been real.  I HATE DECISIONS

Psalm 73:26
My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.