Welcome to Limbo Land

It's time for an update.  Do you know how I know it's time for an update?  I think the two baskets of clean laundry sitting in the middle of my room that are waiting to be folded told me it's time.  Their presence has suddenly reminded me that of the 20 "to do" items floating around in my head...updating this blog is currently the most important one.  I also conveniently have used this blog as a procrastinate escape in the past.

With that being said, I didn't quite think through what this particular post could be about aside from an update on the past three months back in the United States.  Seems relevant.  This past August I moved home after spending 7 months in the Middle East.  Three months later and I am currently in limbo land.  Limbo land is my favorite way to describe the season of uncertainty that has continuously been a life theme of mine.  I truly dislike limbo land, but usually it's my fault.  I tend to be drawn to ambiguity and don't really like to feel tied down, on top of that my passions have kind of guided me in the strangest ways.

YET limbo land has taken on a new character.  It used to be a time of frustration while I painstakingly wait for clues about the future.  Now it is a time of relaxation.  It's a new understanding that this is a phase and that I should enjoy it for all it is worth. Even now as I am typing this, I"m beginning to think that limbo land feels a bit selfish, but I promise it is not that.  Rather, it has meant rekindling and strengthening old friendships even if it means a trip to visit friends in California or a random camping trip to Minnesota at the end of October with Bri (COLD).

It's also a whole lot of reading.  I currently have, let me count, 8 books within my immediate vicinity - books that I am reading all at the same time.  Don't ask me how this is possible.  The only way I can explain it is that I get bored easily with one book so I will switch to another after a few chapters.  Or - perhaps, I have spent a few hours reading one book, and decide later on that same day that I would rather read a book about love, "well perfect, self, let me switch books to 'love without limits'" or whatever other book I have on that topic.  It's almost like I have been living through all these stories every day as a I read.  Fun thought no?  It's a spoiled thing to do when I know that I can't bring all these books with me next time I cross the ocean.

Yes, Life has been THAT interesting.  Oh wait, it gets better, because there is also a pair of new and clean running shoes on my floor.  Most of the day is also spent THINKING about running.  Now, I do hope to change the thinking to action soon.  Let it be known that I ran 3 miles yesterday, thought about running 3 today - but showered instead, which means.... that I will by default run 3 more tomorrow since I thought about it all day today.

I've picked up running again because my boyfriend wants me to run a half marathon with him.  In case you read that sentence quickly, or actually forgot to read it.  I just want to point out a keyword.  "Boyfriend."  Michael and I met on a hiking trip in the Middle East and quickly became friends.  I don't quite know how to write out the whole story just yet, and maybe that's for another time, but the big news is basically that God has given me a once in a lifetime opportunity to date this amazing guy named Michael.  So limbo land has also meant spending quality time getting to know him over skype. While long distance is not ideal, the positive of starting a relationship this way is that it makes us talk, a lot.  Every day I am learning something new about Michael and more grateful for our relationship.  He is a passionate and caring man with a lot of energy, and already adds excitement to my life while living thousands of miles away. This will be an adventure, I have no doubt about that.  He is the only person that has told me that he likes hanging out with me because I slow him down.  Usually, people tell me the opposite.  Getting to know Michael has enlarged my heart and left me in awe at the ways that God works to bring people together for His good.  This part of the story is barely unfolding and I can hardly wait to see where it leads.  Michael reminds me to enjoy each stage of our relationship as it comes, even this time apart, accepting it as a gift from God to be cherished.  I really like him.

While I dislike limbo land, it has also given me the time to reflect on and replenish the deep areas in my heart that brought me out to international work in the first place.  I have also been making some new friends that have similar passions and held conversations with cups of coffees in comfy cafes.  Get this, I worked at a bookstore for a week before getting a phone call to let me know that limbo land is finally coming to a close.  It seems I will be heading back to the Middle East very soon, as I wait for a response, I am aware that within a week or two I could be on a plane once more.  My new role will include the communications for an NGO on the front lines of their relief response to the war there. I am thrilled to say the least, especially since it will bring me closer to Michael, that is an added bonus.  Yet, as always, a bit sad to have to say goodbye to friends and family again.

I am grateful for these past three months and the time that it has been.  Also, so very happy to close this post with a clean floor.  My mother came in about two paragraphs ago and helped me fold the clean laundry - so it seems this night is ending well accomplished.  Thank you for reading - updating again soon.  It seems this blog is a sweet way to document the seasons of life over the years from Bolivia, through Fuller in California, to Turkey, India, the Middle East and back - I am amazed at the ways that God works.  All that joy, all that pain -  OH and all that uncertainty of limbo land - wouldn't have it any other way.

Alison

P.S. Here is a song that Michael shared with me while I was going through a hard time earlier - hope you find it encouraging in whatever circumstance you find yourself

Never Imagined

Yesterday I arrived back "home" from a trip to the Holy Land: Jerusalem.  It was great. (photos coming in next post)

Never imagined that I would get a chance to walk around where Jesus did, to explore some tunnels made by Hezekiah in the Bible, or to sit on the exact hill that Jesus gave the sermon on the mount.  Nope - didn't really think of it before - and yet - it still happened.

Seems that a lot of life works like that.  Never imagined a lot of these things that have been happening over the last year.  Yet - it still happened, and it was great.  Today marks a year since I set foot in Turkey - and have since traveled to 12 countries, spending the most time working with internally displaced people.  The exact type of thing that has been breaking my heart for over 3 years now.  I did not know that all of that research and all those late nights would amount to me sitting next to people in their tents and planning sports programs that help to bring healing.

I like not knowing and I like having to trust.  Yet - at the same time, it's confusing.  Did I chose this or did it chose me?

Regardless - this year of work has confirmed that God is actively working in this world and is faithful, true, and loving.  It's not about me choosing or not choosing, it's not even about me obeying - it's about a God loving the people He created and bringing redemption to the world.  I have seen it and will never be the same again.

Short but sweet entry for this evening because time keeps slipping....

Goodnight for now

My Goodnight Story

Exactly midnight.  Headphones In.  Laying in bed – finally. 

I found myself reading a good book that was talking about the stories of our lives.  It was so good – and the music I was listening to was so good at the same time – so it was a mini dilemma, which one should I pay attention to more? So I would read some, listen some, and then, reflect some.

Reflect some.

How in the world did I end up here?  How in the world does time move so fast?  How in the world does life look so similar yet so different in various places across the globe? 

Then all of a sudden a photo falls out of one of my books.  To be fair, I was holding the book upside down because I was lying in my bed reading….and….it was a photo from nearly two years ago.  Me and three friends – we are all in different locations now, all doing some kind of work, and we all don’t get to talk so often.  

Yet – I couldn’t help but smile and let some strange tears of gratitude fall down my face.  How did God work this one out?  To meet amazing people with deep passions, and then, to become involved in work across the world that really reaches out to people who are in a rough season of life yet so loved at the same time.  It's something that really puts life into perspective.  

After a few moments, and with the music playing beautiful melodies in my ears, that’s when I sat up, grabbed this lap top and began to type – because I feel like it’s important to share moments like these.  A moment when we realize that our lives are telling beautiful stories of love and redemption as we meet people and share in their life stories.  That – God leads in ways we could never imagine and to look back and see it is a gift, even the painful parts look like beautiful pieces of a puzzle.  The crazy part, is that, there's still a lot of puzzle pieces left.  

So – that’s my goodnight story.  

unexpected cool thing - hikes

Kids like to take pictures, it's hard to direct when you don't speak the language

Picnic season - so beautiful

The Alison Daires - excerpts from travels

I am so tired, I will not complain - I"ll just describe it.  I'm too tired to even go to bed because that requires me walking up the stairs, brushing my teeth, and then getting into bed.  Too much work.  So the alternative is sitting here and mindlessly letting my fingers type the thoughts that come into my head - a dangerous alternative.

Option C seems better - copying and pasting entries that I've ran across this evening from my travels through India and Nepal...

The work here is good.  It is like a dream come true in many ways, yet very difficult at the same time.  Today I was sitting next to a coworker from Syria, and thinking how just a year ago I was completing research on the Syrian refugee crisis and now....we are making plans to work with people affected by the war.  Those late nights were not in vain.    Anyways, I chose option C, not option B - yet here I am already mindlessly typing away.  Also - this is pretty awesome - currently have Reggaeton music playing in my headphones, something I have not listened to in quite some time, and it just makes these tired and mindless moments so wonderful.  Before I embarrass myself more with rambling thoughts - here are the copy and paste versions of pieces of "entries" from the travels.  These "entries" tend to happen when I want to process my thoughts but am too tired to write them in my journal (like now) with handwriting..  Let's call the next portion of this blog -- the Alison Diaries (part 1)

The Alison Diaries (part 1)

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Oct. 29 - Calcutta

written after spending the day with some kids in the slum, most of whom where high off of sniffing glue or other substances. 

I hate the brokenness that people have to face and want people to see the joy in the midst of the brokenness.  I want to help to bring hope into the dark places.  How?  I have to believe that they too can see redemption in the land of the living.  I have to believe that it is worth it and that positive change is possible.  I have to know agents of change that I can call up to support and encourage them in these difficult times.  In these circumstances, unrelenting, forgiving, unconditional love is necessary.  Tough love too.  It’s an art to love kids that have been through trauma and abuse.  It’s an art.  I think God uses our stories too, to help bring redemption into the lives of others.

November 17 - Nepal

written at a time I was interviewing for next steps and considering how much I wanted to actually commit to international development work.

I’ve been “walking slow” through next steps for the past few years as I try to make sense out of the way that God leads.  I’ve been asking question after question to stranger after stranger (become friend) about why they do what they do and how God has worked in their life.  At some point though, it became time to stop sitting on the sidelines asking questions and to line up to jump into the game when the whistle blows. 

I remember in soccer games, when I was told it was my time to get in the game, a bunch of nerves would come up as I stood at the sideline and waiting for the whistle to blow indicating that someone stepped off, and I stepped on the field.  It was an adrenaline rush to go from sitting on the bench to sprinting full speed down the field or attacking the opposing team’s forward head on within a matter of seconds.  My mind would trick  me into thinking that I wasn’t that good as I sat on the bench, and then within seconds my body would go into full speed and silence the mind as I focused on only what was happening in those moments.  Moment by moment, kick by kick, pass by pass, we would play. 

This is kind of the place I find myself in now – I’m on the sidelines but just about jumping in – I feel the whistle is about to blow and I feel ready to get involved in the world of humanitarian work, wherever it may lead.

Dec. 9 - Bangalore

written at the house of some Korean friends who had graciously hosted me during my first two weeks in India and let me return to their house near the end of my travels.

Less than two weeks left in India.  I’ve hardly begun to express all that has happened over the last three months here, and even before that, the time spent in Turkey.  It’s all blurring together in my mind and every so often memories will come back of funny things that were said or good conversations that were had.

How do you process such a crazy, seemingly random journey that has been woven together so masterfully that to credit anyone other than God would be ludicrous.  I think – you just let it be.

Today as I was enjoying breakfast with the current family that is hosting me, my eyes and thoughts focused on all the little things.  I often do this to remember well places, moments or people.  I noticed the design on the coffee cups, the way that sipping this coffee made everything seem peaceful.  I listened to them speak Korean and thought of all the years they lived here (over 20) and how cool that I got to spend time here.

And then – I realized something.  I’m detail oriented!!  I’ve been paying attention to details my whole life and here I had been telling myself  wasn’t for over 20 years.  Ok, so maybe I do miss the details that others would deem important, but I bet you I remember the other details that no one else does.  The way the face expressions can change between sentences, or the way So what if the details aren’t important by others standards, and ok so maybe I miss the detials.... (I think the girls got home from school so my attention was diverted)

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So there it is - bits and pieces from those travels.  Signing off this evening - all this to say - Nothing is ever constant - our feelings, our emotions, our way of processing - change.  Even circumstances, those change too, the people that I see regularly who are living in tents or abandoned buildings can tell you that when you place your hope on the things that change and can ultimately be destroyed - you will be disappointed and life will lose purpose.  So -  I believe a life of meaning is one that seeks to know and love God and to love others with that love that only God can give - unconditional, immeasurable, unchanging, and unmoving love.  Something like that.

Goodnight...tired...yet a little more awake - staying up this late may have been a mistake.  On a much cooler end - we are distributing close to 10,000 shoes to IDPs tomorrow.  Excited?? Yes.... From there to here - only God.

To Be Known - Reflections from year 27

February is that month I always look forward to.  It's the month of reflections and new beginnings because it's that special month that God brought me into this world.

Almost always, a year is full of surprises.  I think maybe you would agree that life is a mystery.   This past year has been full of a ridiculous amount of change which has resulted in a broken heart at times and inexplicable joy at others.  It's quite cool when I reflect on it, I"ll say that much.  Quite amazing - I could never have planned this out really.  Being the not so excellent planner and all...  Graduating from a masters program - "moving" back to Chicago - meeting amazing people in 8 countries over a six month period AND receiving an internship with an organization that I greatly respect - for a cause that I am passionate about.  Mix in the painful goodbye to friends and family, the harsh reality of walking away from someone you love, and - there goes my 27th year...  Really - only God could have a handle on the time.  If I had seen it all coming, I think I would have been frozen with wonder and fear.  I might have tried to change a few things to align with my personal desires.  What a mess that would have made.  Step by step, I like that method much more now.

I've now been settled in a new country for three weeks and plan to spend a few months working with internally displaced people.   On the first night that I was here, jet leg was relentless, and I found myself pondering a lot of things.  One of which was the desire that we have to be known.  It was late at night and I had the covers over my head to keep me safe from the mosquitos.  The people I had been closest to were thousands of miles away and after so much bouncing around, there is only so much I could share.   Most people didn't even know where I was, nor did I know where they were.  It seemed that no one really knew me anymore, not even myself.

That night, to drown out the buzz of the mosquitoes, I decided to listen to some music.  One particular song had been repeating in my mind during the flight - so naturally, I listened to it once more. "It takes a lot to know a man" by Damien Rice.  The title should explain a bit of the song - basically.  It takes a lot to know someone.  Accurate, I would say.  Memories came and went as the melodies played.  It made me think, how eloquently beautiful are the melodies of an unexpressed song deep within us – to be known, cherished, and understood yet to find that only the one whom has created us can fully know us.  God has been there all along.  Through it all.  Even more, God has planned it.  God knows it better than myself, especially those nuanced feelings and changes that I may never comprehend.  

There is freedom in knowing that I am loved and understood by God.  It relieves the pressure that I place on others to meet unfulfilled desires.  It relieves the pressure to understand exactly why things are happening.  It creates a trust that can not be broken and a peace that transcends all.  It is only by the love of God that I can then be confident in who God created me to be.  In the words, of Tim Keller, “The only eyes in the universe who can see you to the bottom, love you to the skies.”  It is a truth that we must constantly be reminded of because the world is full of lies and distractions.  That night, alone in that room, and even now with these tired eyes, I find comfort in being seen, loved, and known by God.  That is enough. “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

Goodnight.

Photo from a hike with other interns being sent across the globe.  Step by Step - it's a beautiful journey.

Spent two good weeks at home, nothing quite like home.

Awestruck