Unfiltered thoughts - THE LOOMING DECISION - fear everywhere

oh man - if only you could see me now - if you could see this girl..right here - right now.

My head has been spinning for days - at various parts of the days - and my sleep pattern has been disrupted.  This is what we call - making a big decision.  It's not worry this time, it is just...I have NO clue.

Oh my goodness.  Decisions Decisions Decisions.  I like to be wishy washy, and I like to be relaxed and say everything happens for a reason, and it will all work out.  I do not like to have to make a blatant decision, and i definitely don't like being confused about it.  I don't like the questions swirling around my head, and I don't like the anti-peace...mmmm..lets call it war going on in my head.  I do not like it one bit.  Times like these I wish there was a blinking sign...a toss of a die...something so easy to just say - There, that's it, that's the next step.  Then i would smile and faithfully take that step.  But when you don't know that next step, and you feel like you're supposed to know that next step - it can get really frustrating.  It isn't even worry.  It is just - I do not have any type of peace about either decision, and it really disturbs me - let call it ....lets call it..

ok darn't it's fear, and its not real faith.  It is scary, and it is all unknown.  It is the realization that this decision must be made by myself and must be made in faith that it is right.  It is the realization of the weight of such a decision and honestly I wish I could just sleep this thing off and wake up and know.

This fear is real, and looming, and it's sickening.  This fear has been robbing me of my sleep.  What am I scared of?  I'm scared of making the wrong decision and I am scared of the commitment, of the debt, of the difficulties that I know will take place, and of the uncertainties.  I want to go with the comfortable, but the comfortable doesn't give me peace.  So when I think of the uncomfortable it doesn't give me peace either, but that's just because it is scary.

It is one thing to know the next best step, and it is another thing to do it.  I'm going to do it.  But my head is throbbing, my gut is all nervy, and the questions are beginning to build.  Where is the peace that people talk about?  Will it come eventually?  Will I not discover it for a few months?  Most importantly, where is the faith that I thought that I had?

So this entry is unadulterated thoughts, and quite honestly...can be quite embarrassing.  Because I thought I understood, and I can verbally recite to you the right thing to say to others in this situation.  But then when it comes down to...the time....when it's all or nothing - that is when the real testing begins.  So...

The time is now.

And there is no turning back.  I met with someone this week who told me...NOW is God's will for your life...you're living in your purpose NOW..it's NOW.  Sure you might be preparing for some other time.. but ultimately, where you are now, is where God has you, and is using you.  I agree, but unfortunately this decision that has to be made about the future is also NOW, and I can no longer ignore it or wish it solved by something like rock, paper, scissors.  It's in my face, because I have to decide where to go to graduate school...today.

So i'm freaking out while staring at this blank form right now, it's so funny looking to me, and all so surreal because I know that years down the line, this evening will be so prominent in my mind.. I know the weight of this past week, all the conversations I had, and the things I saw, I have confidence it all played out this way for a reason.  I have confidence that my friend that randomly signed online and chatted with me as I was typing this...was a reminder...

Because even as all these thoughts were swirling, and as my fingers were typing up a rage of fears, to my own personal shame - my friend was typing to me the faithfulness of God, and his control over everything, and my identity as a daughter, and the promises of who I am to him - and Romans 8:38 - that nothing can separate us from God's love.  And as I went back in forth, from these unfiltered thoughts on this thing called a blog, to the conversation with my friend that was unfolding - validating my fears but also underlying the need to fully trust - that swirling headache I've had, and that unnerving feeling slowly began to dissipate.

Everything will be alright, God is in control.

So what you have just read my friend, if you have made it this far into the post - is a battle I have been facing this past week, about making the right decision, and you have just read the breakdown...of how the final decision was made after much time and reflection.  I stayed up late, with a swirling headache full of fears, and someone reminded me of God's love and then...I just knew.  And I always hated that phrase.  What does that mean when someone says they just know?  So lame.  Well.  In this particular situation, it didn't just happen, it's the result of much prayer, thought, scripture, conversations, reflection, research, and searching - only to find that the peace comes in letting go.

So tonight, this much I know.  God is with me wherever I go, whatever I decide, and that I am just a little vessel...a crazy little vessel..and it's time to let go and move forward - one step at a time.

So - perhaps its the late hour...perhaps I need sleep, but I think I know the decision to be made, so I ask that you pray because tomorrow is a big day.

Bam.  Goodnight.  Finally.

disclaimer: this was legit unfiltered thoughts, so if this confuses you - do not worry - because that's life and in hindsight, it all makes sense...right?  At least that's what people tell me.. ;)